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NOTES ON COACHING MUSIC

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BRET BIELEMA’S PAPA WAS A ROLLIN’ STONE

Passionate Nick Saban is Passionate

Brett McMurphy compiled almost every FBS coach’s favorite music. We have notes.

Every Coach Who Put Kenny Chesney Or Bro-Country: whatever, just, whatever

Nick Saban: Eagles. The Eagles are the mental sonic wallpaper for a whole generation of dudes around Nick Saban’s age, so this makes sense. Nick Saban loves the Weather Channel; The Eagles are basically like listening to a few hours of The Weather Channel.

What’s more fun to remember about Nick Saban’s musical tastes? That he will burn your ass for even suggesting that Mick Jagger is not a perfect entertainer.

In an attempt at levity, I tell him I'd recently tried to turn my four-year-old daughter on to the Stones but that she had responded by earnestly asking me, "Dad, how come the man in these songs can't sing?"

Saban spins around from the front seat and shoots me the bug zapper.

"Mick Jagger can sing," he says, before turning back to face the windshield. "Mick Jagger is a great entertainer."

When he’s exploding on the sideline at the end of a 45-7 blowout of a ranked opponent, imagine him screaming “MICK JAGGER IS A GREAT ENTERTAINER” instead of whatever hair-raising coal country profanity is actually pouring out of his mouth and into Lane Kiffin’s poor scarred ears canals.

Bob Diaco: Sia. This has to be authentic. It’s simply too odd a choice not to be. Either that, or Bob Diaco is one of those people who just punts and lets Spotify pick his music for him. If you have watched UConn play offense, you will now realize this is exactly how Bob Diaco got Sia in his music collection. The Huskies haven’t scored in the month of November. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND, BOB DIACO.

Will Muschamp: George Strait. Maybe Will Muschamp is...good? Likes good things? We can’t really process this happening, or don’t want to, and—

—whew, okay, compass intact, North still points North, existential crisis avoided.

Jim McElwain: Earth, Wind, and Fire. There is absolutely no way this is real, or that McElwain has anything but “September” listed 84 times in a row in his music library. Please prove us wrong, Jim McElwain, and namecheck “Africano/Power (live)” as your jam to verify legitimacy.

P.S. Ryan already mentioned that yes, a Florida coach would love a song called “September” and not “November.”

Steve Addazio: James Taylor. Don’t be surprised, you already knew that a bald meathead from New England deep in his heart craves nothing more at the end of the day than James Taylor, a bit of bite in the fall air, and a big, warm, well-knit sweater. You don’t think Steve Addazio wouldn’t talk REALLY ENTHUSIASTICALLY about a well-knit sweater for at least ten minutes? Dudes bein’ dudes bein’ dudes appreciatin’ LL Bean O.G. deep cable knits.

Dave Clawson: Talking Heads. This changes my entire perception of Dave Clawson as a person and a coach and as a presence mentoring our youth. It also makes me wonder how Phil Fulmer ever hired him at Tennessee, much less understood anything he ever said or thought or felt.

Bill Snyder: Frank Sinatra. Bill, after all these years, still enjoys supporting the work of his friend’s grandchildren.

Mike Gundy and Dana Holgorsen: Prince. It has been suspected but now it can be known: both of these men definitely can cleanly unhook a bra strap with their mouths.

Kliff Kingsbury: Kings of Leon. Huh, Kliff’s into a much-ballyhooed band that after immediate success hasn’t been on the map in a few years, weird, that’s not appropriate at all.

Frank Wilson: Trombone Shorty. Frank Wilson—a NOLA native— is the realest human on this list and doesn’t care if the music on his personal communication device recruits a soul.

Rocky Long: AC/DC. You didn’t even need to ask this question, AC/DC is the default favorite band of anyone named “Rocky”.

Bret Bielema: The Temptations. There were a few surprises here and you might skip over this one but please, please: Do not ignore the vision of Bret Bielema in his bathrobe bopping around his walk-in closet full of red tracksuits, picking a fresh one for the day, and singing along to “I can’t get next to you” while bouncing around like a freshly showered bear.

Butch Jones: The Gap Band. Another coach we suspect just chose a band whose name he could remember. Still, if true, it means Butch Jones has jammed quietly to a song called “Beep a Freak”.

Kevin Sumlin: Drake. Yes, Texas A&M’s coach, tell us about how you like a popular rapper of highly varying quality who often gets shown up badly by others in the spotlight, picks weird obsessive beefs with rivals, and sometimes feels like he’s from another country altogether. That’s not appropriate to your situation at all.

Brian Kelly: Bruce Springsteen. “I’m on Fire” okay wait yeah sure this works—

Scottie Montgomery: Sade. You might think East Carolina just got sexier knowing their coach is probably blasting “Is It A Crime” while watching game tape. It might, but really this is just an adjustment for the rest of the program to keep up with college football’s most erotic human mascot.

the original smooth operator

David Shaw, Tracy Claeys, and Doc Holliday: Declined to answer.

David Shaw punted because that’s his first reaction to everything and it got him to nine wins and you can make fun of it when it stops working for him.

Doc Holliday did not respond because Doc Holliday is not real, and is the name given to a high school econ teacher’s class in Huntington who have been playing the Marshall football program as a econ project on marginal decision-making for the past seven years. (This year’s class knows NOTHING about football.)

Tracy Claeys did not answer because he does not know what music is. He does not care to learn about things that aren’t in his job description. If you wish him to learn about music, please update the job description and he will do so.