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DON’T DO THIS MICHIGAN STATE

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THIS IS RIVALRY NOT A THERAPY SESSION

2009 Capital One Bowl - Michigan State Spartans v Georgia Bulldogs Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images

NO SPARTY. NO. GO TELL YOUR STUDENT NEWSPAPER TO NEVER WRITE ABOUT THIS RIVALRY AGAIN. THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND RIVALRY. YOU SENT THE WRONG PERSON TO WRITE THIS. THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER AND AT NO TIME IN A RIVALRY SITUATION SHOULD YOU FEEL BETTER.

THIS IS LIKE LETTING AN ORTHODONTIST PERFORM AN EMERGENCY TRACHEOTOMY. IT’S NOT IDEAL TO BEGIN WITH AND ONCE YOU SEE THE RESULTS YOU’LL PROBABLY REGRET THAT YOU DID IT EVEN IF IT SAVED YOU MONEY ON THE FRONT END. BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO BE REMINDED OF THIS EVERY TIME MICHIGAN COMES UP. EVERY LAST TIME.

YOU SEE THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A EUTHANASIA HEADLINE RIGHT? THAT MICHIGAN STATE DIDN’T LOSE THIS GAME, BUT INSTEAD GOT SOME KIND OF WASTING DISEASE AND TRIED TO MAKE IT COUNT BEFORE THEY DIED? WAS MORGAN FREEMAN ON THE SIDELINES TO ACCOMPANY MICHIGAN STATE AS THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY WANTED TO BEFORE THE GRIM END ARRIVED? OH COOL, MICHIGAN STATE, YOUR FONDEST WISH WAS TO HOLD MICHIGAN SCORELESS FOR A QUARTER BEFORE DISPLAYING A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR BASIC SCORING MATH. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. WE’LL CUT THE TRAILER TO “HOLOCENE” AND RELEASE IT IN TIME FOR OSCAR CONSIDERATION.

YOU DON’T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE DIGNITY WHEN DISCUSSING A RIVALRY GAME. ESPECIALLY NOT THIS ONE WHERE THE RUNNING JOKE IS THAT MICHIGAN ISN’T EVEN THE SAME THING AS YOU ARE, AND CONTINUALLY REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS IS EVEN A FIGHT. STRIVE LESS HARD. YOU’RE NOT JOHN CENA. WE CAN SEE YOU AND WHAT WE SEE IS NOT AN UNDERDOG IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD. YOU GET GOOD PLAYERS NOW. THEY GO TO THE NFL WHICH IS QUITE FRANKLY A HUGE PART OF THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR TEAM THIS YEAR.

YOU WON SEVEN OF THE LAST EIGHT IN THIS SERIES AND ONE LOSS SENDS YOU BACK TO HOLDING UP YOUR RAGS AND PUNCHING THROUGH THE TOP OF YOUR BUSTED BOWLER HAT SAYING “WELL AH MAY NOT BE A LORD BUT AT LEAST AH GOT ME DIGNITY” IN A BAD COCKNEY ACCENT LIKE THIS IS SOME HORRID BRITISH CLASS DRAMA PBS WON’T EVEN TOUCH FOR BEING TOO TREACLY.

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE US DO YOU THREW US INTO TREACLY BRITISH CLASS DRAMAS. THAT’S MICHIGAN SHIT NOT MICHIGAN STATE SHIT. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO THINK YES IT WAS ABOUT TIME BOB DYLAN GOT A NOBEL. YES THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO SHARE ANDY BOROWITZ ARTICLES.

YES THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE BAR TRIVIA WAY WAY WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. THEY’RE NOT THE ONES LOOKING ANSWERS UP ON THEIR PHONE TRUE BUT NOTRE DAME AND THEIR PEOPLE DON’T MATTER EVEN IN BAR TRIVIA CONTESTS. THEY SHOULDN’T REALLY EVEN BE ALLOWED TO WORK TOGETHER. JUST TELL THEM THEY’RE INDEPENDENT, AND CAN SCHEDULE THEIR OWN BAR TRIVIA MATCHES UNTIL THEY FEEL LIKE ADMITTING THEY’RE NOT SPECIAL.

NO YOU’RE MICHIGAN STATE. GET OFF THIS POORMOUTHY SALVAGE MISSION SHIT AND HIT SOMEONE IN THE FACE WITH A CINDER BLOCK. LEAN INTO THE BLOWOUT. REMIND MICHIGAN FANS THAT YES THEY WON BUT JONATHAN CHAIT IS STILL A MICHIGAN GRAD AND THAT NO YOU DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS BUT HE’S PROBABLY TERRIBLE AT WHATEVER NERD THING HE DOES FOR A SOFT WORTHLESS LIVING.

TELL THEM SCOTT STEINER WAS THE WEAKEST MEMBER OF THE NWO.

TELL THEM ZINGERMAN’S IS JUST A DELI AND DELIS ARE OVERRATED AS HELL.

REMIND THEM THAT TOM BRADY GIGGLES LIKE AN EXCITED SCHOOLCHILD WHEN DONALD TRUMP TEXTS HIM.

TELL THEM THAT EVEN THEIR MOST FAMOUS SERIAL MURDERER SPENT MORE TIME WRITING THINGS NO ONE READS THAN DOING SERIAL MURDER.

NOTHING IS MORE MICHIGAN THAN A DERANGED KILLER WHO STILL WANTS YOU TO READ HIS PROLIX THEORIES ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND NEOLUDDITE-ISM.

IN OTHER WORDS TO HELL WITH DIGNITY. YOU GOT CLOBBERED BY A BETTER FOOTBALL TEAM AND A COACH WHO TAKES A GLOVE TO BASEBALL GAMES. YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU DO MICHIGAN STATE AND JUST EAT THIS BITTERNESS AND LET MARK DANTONIO FARM UP A BUMPER CROP OF DISRESPECT FOR 2017. YOU MAY ALSO WANT TO DEVELOP AN OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE LINE, THOSE REALLY HELP WHEN YOU CAN GET THEM. STOP TRYING TO FIND QUARTERBACKS. THEY’LL COME TO YOU BECAUSE KIRK COUSINS SCENTMARKED THE CAMPUS AND CHARISMATIC KIWANIS CLUB ANGELS WITH THE ABILITY TO MAKE HEARTFELT SPEECHES BUT NOT NFL-GRADE POST PATTERN THROWS WILL NATURALLY FLOCK TO YOUR DOOR. THE GUYS WHO GO 8/17 FOR 92 YARDS WITH ONE CRUCIAL SCRAMBLE IN A BIG GAME. THIS IS YOUR BRAND AND I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ALL IT’S DONE FOR YOU. THAT AND A RUNNING BACK YOU CAN THROW UP THE GUT 48 TIMES IN A GAME AND A DEFENSE MEANER THAN A SACK OF CURDLED WEASELS AND YOU’LL BE BACK TO FRUSTRATING DOMINANCE AGAIN.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT CURDLED WEASELS ARE AND NEITHER DO YOU. JUST DON’T DO THIS AGAIN. TO QUOTE THE IMMORTAL BOOGIE COUSINS: “I DONE GOT BEAT UP BEFORE, I AIN’T TRIPPIN’ OFF THAT.” OR MORE TO THE AUDIENCE HERE, TAKE THE WORDS OF MICHIGAN STATE AND MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES GREAT ZACH RANDOLPH, WHO SAID THESE WORDS TO KENDRICK PERKINS:

“I’LL BEAT YOUR ASS.” THAT’S THE ANTHEM MICHIGAN STATE. YOU’LL NEED IT BECAUSE YOU PLAY A DANGEROUS AND HUNGRY ILLINOIS TEAM THIS WEEK. THEY’RE DANGEROUS IN THE CDC SENSE AND HUNGRY IN THE “WEAK” NOT “WILL KILL YOU FOR FOOD” SENSE BUT STILL. YOU’LL GET IT DONE BECAUSE SPARTANS WILL (BLOCK A PUNT YOU WILL NEED TO BEAT THEM 11-8.)

(WHATEVER THE BOARD WILL STILL SAY “W” MICHIGAN STATE.)

(MAYBE.)