BOB BOWLSBY: I want to thank you all for coming today. I know it's been an emotionally-charged, trying year for our conference. We've seen our names in the news a lot lately, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but through it all, we've stuck together, and I'm proud of the season we're having. We may not have the money of the Big Ten, or the resources of the SEC, but dangit, we're the Big XII! We shouldn't be trying to be anything other than what we are, and there's no better way to celebrate our shared culture than with my favorite annual event, our chili cookoff!
BOWLSBY: Anyways, I want you all to have fun out there today, get your fill, and at the end, we'll name a definitive champion!
BOWLSBY: [laughter] Ohhh, we have fun here. Anyways, I'll be coming around the room to check in on everyone's batches - might even try a little myself! [he steps off stage] Boy, Bill, that batch is looking great!
BILL SNYDER: [nods] Old Snyder Family recipe. Learned it from an old military friend. Santa Anna, though we just called him Tony back in those-
BOWLSBY: Hold on a second, Bill - Gary, are you okay?
GARY PATTERSON: [sweating profusely]
BOWLSBY: Is the chili too hot?
PATTERSON: The what? I just got here.
DANA HOLGORSEN: [wheeling in a 55-gallon drum on a handtruck] Hey, Gary, gimme a hand here, I need help unloading these, uh, chili ingredients.
BOWLSBY: Wow, Dana, that's an awfully large container, whatcha got there?
HOLGORSEN: [barrel is clearly labeled "ACETONE"] Cumin. Hey, I'm gonna set up in the other room. This chili can really flare up sometimes. Gary, you wanna grab that drum of pseudoep- [pauses, stares at Bowlsby for a moment] beans?
BOWLSBY: Looking forward to trying it! And hey, Kliff, my boy, whaddya got workin' there?
KLIFF KINGSBURY: Ahh, this is my classic Air Raid chili. I've got eighteen kinds of chili pepper in here.
BOWLSBY: Wow, what else?
KINGSBURY: [confused] nothing else?
BOWLSBY: Kliff, we talked about this, you need more than just-
KNIGSBURY: [looks sad, but in a very pretty way]
BOWLSBY: [tousling hair] It's great, Kliff. You're doing great.
[he hears a pounding on the window, and peers out]
CINCINNATI ATHLETIC DIRECTOR MIKE BOHN: Can we come in?
BOWLSBY: [miming like he can't hear]
BOHN: WE BROUGHT CHILI TOO
BOWLSBY: NO. NO YOU DIDN'T.
TOM HERMAN: Hey, we're here too!
BOWLSBY: [lowers blinds]
HERMAN: OH COME ON DON'T LUMP ME IN WITH THEM I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT CHILI IS
BOWLSBY, to assistant: Turn on the sprinklers. Anyways, let's move on. David, whatcha got there?
KANSAS COACH DAVID BEATY: Squash soup!
BOWLSBY: This is a chili cookoff, David.
BEATY: People like squash soup.
BOWLSBY: It's an entirely different thin-
BEATY: WELL MAYBE SCHOOLS CAN BE GOOD AT OTHER THINGS, BOB
JIM GROBE: Hey, when are you going to look at my chili? We've consulted a number of Texas's top competitors, and put together a really tremendous batch. Authentic, full of flavor, really great-
BOWLSBY: I don't want to- I don't want to deal with you right now, so-
MIKE GUNDY [barges in, shaking]: hey you guys wanna try some chili
BOWLSBY: Are you okay, Mike?
GUNDY: TRY SOME GODDAMNED CHILI BOB
BOWLSBY: Mike, settle down, you're spilling everywhere, what've you got there
GUNDY: It's my five alarm chili, made with the merciless peppers of Quetzalcatenango-
BOWLSBY: are you just quoting the Simpsons now
GUNDY: -grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum -
BOWLSBY: You're definitely just quoting the Simpsons. Not even a less-popular episode. One everyone's seen.
GUNDY: [twitching] did you try Dana's chili that stuff'll put hair on your chest, I might go back and get sec-
[an explosion in the other room rattles the building]
HOLGORSEN, from other room: EVERYTHING'S FINE
[Gary Patterson runs out, on fire] [Holgorsen follows, beating the flames out with a rug]
HOLGORSEN: NO NEED TO CALL THE COPS JUST A NORMAL CHILI ACCIDENT
BOWLSBY: [rubbing bridge of nose]
GROBE: Seriously, my chili's really good. We won two actual competitions while we were waiting. Got a writeup in Texas Monthly. Opened a successful pop-up restaurant. Are you going to acknowledge our current success at all?
BOWLSBY: [absolutely not acknowledging Baylor's current success] So, Charlie, we're all hoping for good things from you, what've you got?
CHARLIE STRONG: [is butchering a cow by hand] It's almost ready.
BOWLSBY: It's clearly not.
STRONG: Just need time.
BOWLSBY: Time's up.
STRONG: [continuing to butcher] I know.
BOWLSBY: You'll be happier when this over. I'm a little jealous, to be honest. Okay, Big Game Bob, what's cookin'?
BOB STOOPS: It's just regular chili.
BOWLSBY [tasting] it's good. Not great, but perfectly pleasant. Spicy enough, but it's not giving me any heartburn [glares at Baylor]. It's fine. Yeah, we can give the championship to thi-
IOWA STATE COACH MATT CAMPBELL: [skateboards in, knocks over Oklahoma's table, spilling chili everywhere]
CAMPBELL: Whoops sorry dude
GROBE: You have to name us champion now! Ha!
BOWLSBY, whispering to assistant: See if Herman's still outside.
ASSISTANT: [nods, starts to leave]
BOWLSBY: [grabs their arm] do NOT let Cincinnati in.