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A BRIEF STATEMENT REGARDING THE TREE MAN OF PORTLAND

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WHO YOU CANNOT PROVE IS ME

Oregon State v Stanford

In response to a number of inquiries I’ve gotten about this story...

...I’ve been asked to issue the following short statement.

First, let me point out that you cannot, based on the available video, positively ID me as that Tree. His face is hidden, as are his theoretically beautifully sculpted calves, and he does not speak, so there’s no way to compare his voice to Charlie Day or Josh Gad or That Lady You Work With Who Always Has A Cold.

Second, consider that maybe this isn’t some asshole causing problems for total strangers. Maybe it’s art! Maybe this creative genius — who was on Congress Street — was making a statement about the government’s failure to protect our natural resources, or how if Stanford’s offense can’t get a drive going why should you! Powerful art shouldn’t have to be convenient to be appreciated.

Finally, I’d like to apologize for my earlier comments suggesting that this was some sort of smear campaign by a Cal fan. Cal-Stanford’s a fierce rivalry, but I know this wasn’t a Bear because Oregon was able to stop them. CORRECTION: This event took place in Portland, Maine, so I maintain that this may have been underhanded Cal work. (Oregon is still garbage, and a Stanford fan only reads two things closely: whatever’s assigned on the syllabus and all the zeroes on our paychecks.)

I will not be taking questions at this time, unless they relate to whether or not David “Ketchup? Too Spicy!” Shaw and his Harrison Bergeron offense managed to beat Notre Dame this season.

May Treedom Ring,

Ryan Nanni