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NCAA Football: Wisconsin at Michigan Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports
  1. The first thing we thought was “Yes, this is ballin’ out hard, but you are not there in pajamas, Jim Harbaugh.” 2 Chainz still holds the gold standard for Ruth’s Chris stuntin and you cannot top it until you drink that giant goblet of milk in a pair of footie pajamas.
  2. I have no doubt that not only does Jim Harbaugh own a pair of Michigan footie pajamas with the zip-up front, but also that John Harbaugh has a matching set in Ravens colors. They hold quarterly sleepovers in a giant, adult-sized treehouse built in the backyard, and watch game film together while eating Twizzlers until their stomachs hurt.
  3. You probably want to attend one of these sleepovers, but definitely not two. The Harbaugh tolerance threshold is real.
  4. We have no idea how adults drink milk, or why. It’s basically booster fuel given to growing organisms until they level off into a static metabolic state. The list of things milk should be used for by adults is small, and includes but is not limited to the following: reducing the acidity of coffee and speeding its delivery, making White Russians, and getting cereal kind of wet. The rest is propaganda meant to offload the United States’ outrageous surplus of overproduced dairy products.
  5. If someone objects to this, they are A BIG TEN PLANT in the pocket of BIG COW. They do not work for the dairy industry, they work for the cows, and will one day help in exacting the hundred-year bovine revenge plot on humans. Every sip of milk you take is a willing swallow of your own doom, human. THE COWS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS.
  6. You should probably be making White Russians with powdered creamer anyway, if you want Lebowski style points. The powdered creamer really accentuates your alcoholism and resignation from society, and that’s what we want to hit on here.
  7. If our eyes don’t deceive us, that’s a 40 oz bone-in ribeye. Jim Harbaugh drank milk with it. Besides carrying the most unkosher stomachful of food on the planet, we have no idea how Jim Harbaugh digests any of this. It may be a different design than yours entirely. Some kind of piston and mashing system with advanced solvents and digestive enzymes breaking down problematic food materials with an enthusiasm unknown to man.
  8. If we ate that combo of foods we would break out into a sweat and die. In the 19th century they would have said we died of pleurisy. You don’t know what pleurisy is, and neither did 19th century doctors because all of them were making some shit up.
  9. You may wonder if Jim Harbaugh did this as a stunt. No, no he did not. Jim Harbaugh used to buy pants at Wal-mart and wear them on the sidelines in the NFL. They were not a surprise quality find in the bargain tier, reader, like Kirkland brand Prosecco, or the affordable but outstanding Ford Focus ST. No, these were very, very bad pants, reader.
  10. Jim Harbaugh is probably the kind of man who likes taking his children to national parks first for the incredible vacation savings, and then for the natural beauty. He pulls over for the “see Disneyworld free” sign. When the “free cone at Ben and Jerry’s” hits his phone/assistant’s phone/wife’s phone/telegraphs directly into his cheapskate brain, Harbaugh runs at a dead sprint with a beaming grin toward the nearest location. Why? Because this is a competition. This is all a competition. Jim Harbaugh once destroyed a child’s afternoon so he could win a Laser Tag competition. He broke an overhead projector while yelling “I MUST WIN” during a quarterbacking seminar. There are multiple stories about not playing catch with Harbaugh playfully because he will have you repeating dig routes until you snap them off at just the right angle. The 49ers got rid of him for a lot of reasons—hi, Jed York—but one of those reasons, buried somewhere down in that long list, was that a locker room full of adults wants you to chill, for just one moment in the day please, please have an ounce of chill.
  11. This is why he’s best as a college coach: no one but the administration has a chance to get tired of him because the players all move on so quickly, and wins too much and with such explosive, conclusive results to ever let that become an HR issue.
  12. In conclusion: Jim Harbaugh has no chill, and does not recognize the concept. He beat Rutgers 78-0 and then went out and put up huge numbers on Ruth’s Chris. In his brain, there is a scoreboard that reads something like “Harbaugh $149.63 to Ruth’s Chris zero before tip.” We pray he tipped on the actual total; we would not be surprised if he didn’t. It really depends on if
  13. If this look were a filter, it would be called “Midwestern Salmonella”. We’re sure the dinner was fine, but if there is a more unflattering picture of expensive food on the planet, we would like to see it, and then never see it again.
  14. Jim Harbaugh is 16-3 as head coach of the Michigan Wolverines. His team is currently ranked 4th in the AP poll in his second year. He says he eats a steak a day and drinks milk constantly and if he lives to 70 without exploding we will pay you an imaginary dollar’s worth of right points.
  15. We will probably die before Jim Harbaugh does.