TOO MANY COOKBOOKS

Week 6 was an exciting time around the college football world, with a handful of big games and striking results. It was an even more auspicious time in the Action Cookbook household, however, as we welcomed our second child - a daughter this time - into the world Tuesday afternoon.

I personally tried to catch as much of the games as I could this weekend, but with newly redoubled parenting responsibilities, I had to rely more than ever on the analytical abilities of my trusty canine sidekick, Holly, who-

HOLLY: I'm leaving.

actioncookbook: Wait, what?

HOLLY: Look, we talked about this last year. I wasn't keen on you having a kid, I don't think that was a secret. I tried to be patient, though. I thought, you know what? Maybe this is just one of those short-term wrinkles that isn't going to work, but they'll have to find out for themselves. You know, like a two-quarterback system. Or Will Muschamp. But now I see you doubling down on the strategy? I'm out of here.

actioncookbook: Holly, don't be ridiculous. We still love you as much as ever, and-

HOLLY: Green Party city council candidate handing out flyers at Kroger lookin' ass

actioncookbook: Please don't roast me again.

HOLLY: witcha company-issued LL Bean quarter-zip at the farmer's market face

actioncookbook: c'mon now this thing is comfortable

HOLLY: lookin' like you wanna talk to me about the latest episode of CSI: Las Vegas while I'm ringing up your order at the coffee shop ass

actioncookbook: hey now there's nothing wrong with polite conversa-

HOLLY: look like someone who tries to say stuff "fam" a lot but you just sound like a 34-year-old cop who got assigned to do undercover work at a high school because you were the only one on the unit who couldn't grow facial hair

actioncookbook: [looking at urbandictionary on phone] that's mean af and not at all squad goals

HOLLY: more like 21 Chump Street

actioncookbook: hurtful

HOLLY: you're as likeable as Johnny Depp's career

actioncookbook: uncalled for

BOYCHILD: [tumbles down stairs into room, lands on Holly, bounces off into a bin of electronic music-making toys, which all activate at once] [giggles, claps, squeals]

HOLLY: so, like I said, I'm leaving

actioncookbook: where would you even go? You have no means of outside support.

HOLLY: heard a rumor there might be a defensive coordinator position open at Texas. I instinctively know how to herd, I've got to be better than what they've got now.

actioncookbook: See, Holly, that sounded like analysis! That's what I need from you. We can't break up this great thing we've got going now. You're just too valuable around here. And besides, I need the money. [gestures to baby swing]

GIRLCHILD: [is sleeping peacefully]

BOYCHILD: [rides through foreground on riding lawnmower] [we do not own one and we're indoors]

HOLLY: You've made your bed, you have to lie in it. Just like how Rutgers really wanted to be in a power conference.

actioncookbook: See! Let's talk more about that. Michigan had one of the biggest wins by any team in years, beating Rutgers on the road by 78 points, in a game where the Scarlet Knights never threatened to score despite having hundreds of potential recruits in attendance-

HOLLY: never came close to scoring and a bunch of high schoolers watched them fail, sounds like your prom night

actioncookbook: c'mon now, my prom night was 11 years before you were even born

HOLLY: so I'm wrong then

actioncookbook: ... we went as friends, okay?

GIRLCHILD: [continues to sleep peacefully]

[something whizzes by my ear and a window breaks]

BOYCHILD: [is giggling, holding a t-shirt cannon, and is covered in blood and bits of green fuzz that look suspiciously like the Phillie Phanatic's fur]

HOLLY: I'll give him this, he's got better aim than Miami's kicker. At least that didn't get blocked.

actioncookbook: oh! Yes, let's talk about that game, which upset the divisional races in the ACC, with Miami's hopes of a Coastal Division title muddled by the shocking loss to a seemingly-mediocre Florida State team on a blocked extra point in the final minutes. Now it looks like Virginia Tech has the inside track on a conference title game matchup with Clemson, who-

BOYCHILD: [walks past with a crossbow]

HOLLY: we're just both gonna ignore that, right

actioncookbook: that's the plan

GIRLCHILD: [is the picture of innocence, sleeping angelically in a ray of sunlight breaking through the window]

actioncookbook: Can we talk about the power shift that's taken place in the Pac-12 this year? Not only did Washington break their 12-year losing streak to archrival Oregon, they did it in tremendously [takes crossbow bolt to thigh, drops to knees in pain, continues to ignore it] impressive fashion, running up 70 points on the Ducks in a blowout at Autzen Stadium that would've seemed inconceivable only a few years ago. Meanwhile, once-dominant Stanford was tossed about like a rag doll by a surging Washington State, raising expectations for what could be one of the best Apple Cup matchups we've seen in years.

HOLLY: Well, I'm personally excited by the success Chris Petersen has brought to Washington. I always want to see a dog-themed team succeed, and it's tough when you've got to rely on Georgia to be that team every year.

actioncookbook: yeah Georgia did not look great this weekend

HOLLY: just assy

actioncookbook: I mean, we wrote this post Sunday morning, before their rescheduled game with South Carolina even took place, but we're leaving this part of the conversation in no matter what happens there

HOLLY: agreed, it's a reasonable risk we're taking

BOYCHILD: [crashes through kitchen wall in stolen police cruiser] [honks horn] [giggles, claps]

actioncookbook: I upped my life insurance coverage this week, speaking of risks

HOLLY: oh, I've got a separate policy on you, trust me [eyes shift menacingly]

GIRLCHILD: [squeaks slightly while dreaming, curls up peacefully in jammies, continues to sleep]

actioncookbook: hey, I know they're not a "dog-themed" team necessarily, but Reveille's squad at A&M held on in overtime against Tennessee, and they're looking like the biggest threat left to Alabama's SEC dominance. They've got a big matchup in two weeks that could shift the playoff picture dramatically.

HOLLY: yeah, and let's not forget Cincinnati, who looked like dogshit losing 20-9 against the Huskies of Connec-

GIRLCHILD: [bolts awake, eyes turn completely black] [screams so loud every remaining window shatters] [car alarms are going off in the distance] [birds fall from the sky already dead]

HOLLY: ...

actioncookbook: ...

BOYCHILD: [setting down chainsaw] ...

actioncookbook: ... maybe she's hungry?

HOLLY: maybe she just found out Purdue won a conference game