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BREAKING: OLE MISS ANNOUNCES EXTENSION FOR HOLOFREEZE

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DEAL AVERAGES FIFTY SEVEN MILLION CREDITS THROUGH 2178

Butch Dill/Getty Images

OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI - The University of Mississippi announced a six year contract extension for head football coach HoloFreeze today, an agreement which secures his services at the school through 2178. HoloFreeze will average 57 million credits in annual compensation under the terms of the extension, with bonuses that can increase that amount to 72 million credits for achievements including winning an SEC division title, being named Coach of the Year, or successfully retaking the yttrium mines on Enceladus.

"We're extremely proud of the foundation Coach HoloFreeze has built here in Oxford," said athletic director Irradiated Superintelligent Bear. "Today's commitment reflects not only that pride but our renewed expectation that this program is ready to take the next step and begin competing at the highest level."

Coach HoloFreeze inspects the Ole Miss secondary during a practice.

After the Rebels finished 8-4 this season, some speculated that the university might move on from the holographic artificial intelligence, who has led the team since his namesake's death in 2034 during a Baton Rouge halftime helicopters-piloted-by-tigers show. But after HoloFreeze rumoredly interviewed for open jobs at Texas and Horror Dimension Texas, some boosters felt Ole Miss needed to make a strong move to retain the simulator rather than face a coaching search unprepared.

HoloFreeze initially repeated "THE NETWORK REMAINS ONLINE; PLEASE STANDBY" over and over before finally being rebooted. After thanking I.S. Bear for his support, HoloFreeze said "the goal for this program remains the same -- to outwork, outthink, and outcompete our opponents, on and off the field." A second malfunction occurred, causing the hologram to begin reciting Swiss bank account numbers. The press conference then came to an abrupt halt.

Further details provided by Ole Miss indicated that the salary pool for HoloFreeze's assistants will also go up by eleven million credits, significant given that the Rebels lost defensive coordinator Laser Turret Kiffin, Jr. to Georgia in the 2166 offseason. The extension ups HoloFreeze's buyout to 27.5 million credits, though that amount would not be owed by the university in the event he is fired for cause.

Neither the press conference nor the school's release mentioned any update on the NCAA's ongoing investigation into alleged improper benefits provided to players by Ole Miss booster Jabba the Nutt.