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THE CURIOUS INDEX DEMANDS YOU RESPECT GROCERY STORE ETIQUETTE

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DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CLAIM ALL THOSE ONIONS ARE ONE ITEM. I SEE A MIX OF SPANISH AND RED, YOU HUSSY.

Jim Dedmon-USA TODAY Sports

MATH IS FOR WINNERS. Bill C. is one of those winners (please just ignore the whole Missouri fan thing this season) and he has all the data you could possibly want for Bama-Clemson. Highlights include:

- Alabama's offense regularly enjoys great field position; Clemson's is more efficient and better at finishing drives off
- Clemson's defense: smothering on standard downs, average on passing downs
- Alabama's defense: just smothering all the time, they're the worst kind of parent, let me grow and develop I'm 27 goddammit

HE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID. Jim Harbaugh uses Twitter in some...interesting ways. Like this.

Is this about the 49ers unceremoniously firing Jim Tomsula? Maybe. It could also be about the lady who jumped ahead of him at the supermarket; just because a new register opens doesn't mean you get to skip to the front, you thoughtless hilljack. AND NO I WILL NOT USE SELF-CHECKOUT THIS SHOULD BE A TEAM EFFORT. THE GROCERY STORE IS NOT GODDAMNED SINGLES TENNIS.

BEAMERBALL REMEMBERED. The Key Play has a great collection of former Hokie special teams players sharing memories of Frank Beamer's legacy.

AND DO THE COORDINATOR SHUFFLE. While you were busy celebrating the new year and/or marveling at Oregon turning an assured beatdown of TCU into a horrifying collapse and overtime loss, a bunch of coordinators moved around. Jake Spavital and Texas A&M split up. Kirby Smart hired a bunch of assistants, including former Miami OC James Coley. Miami took Manny Diaz away from Mississippi State. Auburn hired LSU's 2015 defensive coordinator, Kevin Steele, and then LSU went and grabbed Wisconsin's DC, Dave Aranda. There were other firings and hirings, of course, and if we did not cover them here it's because we think your team doesn't deserve attention and will be irrelevant in 2016. Happy New Year!

ETC. Football season is coming to a close, but an even better season is about to begin: Florida Python Hunting.