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ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS BY PARKING A TRUCK IN FRONT OF THEM

YOU'RE TWO-PLUS AXLES AND SOME GUMPTION AWAY FROM THE LIFE YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

By Peter Berkes
Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Alright guys, listen up. I'm here to turn you into your best self. Sounds hard, right?

WRONG, IT'S EASY.

I've been working on my personal improvement and wellness system for years, and I've finally honed it into a foolproof method that you can start doing today, for free.

Just take a truck, and park that truck in front of whatever it is that you want.

I know what you're thinking.

"This doesn't make any sense."

"Seriously, these words don't make any logical sense in connection with each other."

"Great hair, though."

Friend, I'm not here to blow some up your backside. I'm just here to share the power to achieve your wildest dreams. Notre Dame wanted that recruit to commit to them, and they weren't content to sit there and just think about it. They went out there and parked a truck in front of him. Sure, he's not committed yet, but he loved it did you see those shamrocks in the snapchat banner?

The examples go on and on. Think about it.

In every post-apocalyptic movie, the protagonists want to keep the evil nuclear mutants or whoever out of their weird compound. So they park a truck in front of the gate.

Jose Mourinho teams want to strangle the fun out of every game they play, so they park a truck in front of their goal. Or a "bus," which I believe is European for "truck."

Remember that time you got dumped by your first girlfriend back in junior year of high school? Yeah, it sucked, and in retrospect it was a great move for everyone involved. But at the time? You went and you parked your truck right the hell in front of her house and played some horrible New Found Glory song real loud until she came outside and told you to drop dead. Maybe not a great example.

Are you going to look desperate and weird sometimes? Those are only word imposed on us by a cruel society. We have the power to reject these crushing social mores and hit the open road to personal freedom.

You have the power to possess everything you've ever wanted in your life. All you need is the will, and a very large truck. Like, at least the size of the smallest U-Haul. And you can definitely fit a mattress, a coleman stove, and a duffel bag of spare license plates in there in case things get hot and you need to live on the road for a while.