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NO PHONES, EVER

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PUT THEM IN THE FRIDGE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

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Here's what you do if you are going to have a party. I am not talking about a college party, I am now talking about any party, anywhere, at any age, at any location on the planet. Take everyone's phone and put it in the refrigerator. Find the largest, meanest person at that party with whom you are on good terms with, and ask them nicely to guard it. If you must, pay them in food, alcohol, drugs, or cash to do so.

No, girl, you can't have it back. Boy, step away from this brushed aluminum wonder of a refrigerator. You can have a beer but you cannot have your phone back. Someone paid good money for it to keep things cold and tonight one of those things is your snapchat account. It's frosty and dead until you leave this party, because people should be able to do a few foolish things in life without being filmed. Go take a selfie in the mirror by blinking and pretending you're a camera until you're done here.

PUT YOUR PHONE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. Just do it, because what you don't understand is the law of multiplicative rhetorical stupidity, i.e. the more people you get involved in your life the dumber any discussion about your life gets. And if you're a college athlete of any renown--even one that played for a middling Mizzou team, let's say randomly and for no reason at all-- you can't even fake or half-step doing a drug in front of a camera without half the state jumping up your ass about it, and clumsily tying it to everything else that's happened in the program.

You don't want your life becoming another tin can tied behind someone's rhetorical clown car, do you? No you don't. There have been generations of athletes and celebrities who led perfectly flawed and average and messy lives because they mastered one discipline integral to having a private life: put the phones in the refrigerator, both metaphorically and literally.  This isn't about you being a better person, because hoooboy, who the hell are we to say anything about that. This isn't about excusing drug use, because most drugs are frankly a waste of time unless we're talking about prescription amphetamines, the drugs that got us to the moon, created modern mathematics, and made this country great. Ignore that last statement, it definitely wasn't serious at all. Nope. Not one bit.

This is about having a life, and part of having that life is putting your phone in the fridge because not everything in life should be documented. Life should have a series of expendable worthless moments no one remembers, or that maybe only one person remembers, or even five people staying up all night doing some C-grade cocaine and playing Madden until their eyes bleed remember. It doesn't have to be filmed. It probably shouldn't be filmed, particularly if you're in a bad place and working through some of the really dark things people have to work through in life.

(Particularly when you're 21 or 22, and doing a tremendous about of stupid things anyway, and also maybe going through some serious family issues? Just maybe that's all happening.)

And by the way, even if you do film it, I know you won't even edit it correctly, with your lazy shaky camera technique. Looks like it was filmed by Paul Greengrass trying to stand on an exercise ball.