clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

VOLS_KING98, THE TIME TRAVELING GUY WHO TWEETS AT RECRUITS

New, 1044 comments

SCIENCE AND BEING AN ASSHOLE, COMBINED INTO ONE

Deep within a secret research facility, the United States government has scientists working around the clock trying to unlock the ultimate secret of the universe: time travel. They believe their test subject to be mild-mannered retired fighter pilot Tom Skyking. In reality, he is something far more sinister: a Tennessee fan who tweets at recruits on the regular.

These are his adventures.

BETHABARA
27 A.D.

PHILIP: Nathaniel, we have found the one of whom Moses wrote. He is the son of Joseph, Jesus of Nazareth.

NATHANIEL: A Nazarene! Can anything of value come from Nazareth?

(a flash of bright light)

VOLS_KING98: Nazareth doesn't have a Sonic OR a Taco Bell. You think this Jesus fella's just gonna carpent you up five soft tacos at three in the morning? Naw, man. You need to come to Knoxville and join a WINNING program.

PHILIP: Sir, please leave my friend and I in peace.

VOLS_KING98: Buddy, I'm trying to SAVE you! I know a guy who knows a guy who tells me Peter's already got that QB1 spot locked up. You really wanna just ride the apostolic bench? Nobody's gonna remember you, man. But you play for Coach Butch and you got a shot to be a star.

PHILIP: Your offer is very kind, but I believe I am called to follow this man. He is destined for great things, and I intend to cross the Sea of Galilee with -

VOLS_KING98: What kinda sound system Jesus got on that boat?

PHILIP: The word of the Lord is music enough.

VOLS_KING98: So not a Fusion True-Marine, then. Because that's what I just had put in mine. Do y'all even have an MMA cage in the weight room?

PHILIP: Why do you attempt to dissuade me from this path? Do you wish I serve under the flag of your strange nation?

VOLS_KING98: Listen, junior, that's a damn POWER T and you will show it some respect. It's like a crucifix but for winners. Look, what if I sweeten the deal a little bit? You could use some walkin-around-the-Middle-East money, right?

(He pats a duffel bag full of jingling coins. It bears a Florida logo.)

PHILIP: I seek the riches of eternal life, not your earthly wealth.

VOLS_KING98: Worked on Judas.

PHILIP: Stop this at once! I choose to commit my life to the ministry of Jesus!

VOLS_KING98: Whatever. You're just gonna be another overrated recruit who never makes the NFL. Sorry-ass disciple probably couldn't even start for Kentucky. No wonder you're the patron saint of hatters.

PHILIP: You do know that word has nothing to do with "hate," don't you?

VOLS_KING98: ...yes.