PLANET NINE COMMITS TO ALABAMA

In a move that came somewhat of a surprise, newly discovered Planet Nine has committed to play football at Alabama. The massive celestial body, which goes by Nibiru with its other planet friends and also A'Shawn Robinson, would be the first planet to play football by our reckoning.

Coming from a cold region of deep space beyond the Kuiper Belt, Planet Nine has a mass of approximately 10 times that of the Earth, but displays exceptional athleticism while moving through space. "I think it's a real testament to Nibiru that it can cover that kind of ground while maintaining a solar orbit somewhere between 10,000 and 20,000 Earth years," said Alabama head coach Nick Saban, all while committing an NCAA violation for discussing an unsigned prospect.

"That's the kind of commitment that we look for here at Alabama, a commitment to putting in the work and getting better every day over many millennia."

The planetary commitment ceremony was lightly covered by traditional media for obvious reasons related to interplanetary travel limitations, but we were able to obtain a video clip of Saban taking the big phone call from the planet.

Nick Saban, pictured, is elated to learn about the planet's commitment to the Tide.

The planet was unrated by all the major scouting services, but has all the measurables that speak to an easy translation to the FBS level. The only real concern would be that an object that massive coming that close to Earth would cause a cataclysmic event that would undoubtedly wipe out all human life. In that sense, it's easy to see why Nibiru is such a good fit in Tuscaloosa.

Saban also said that he was happy to find someone a little outside the Crimson Tide's traditional recruiting footprint.

"We work every day to try to find the best players that are the best fit for the program. We'll go anywhere we need to to find the right player. I'd like to keep expanding our scouting radius beyond the cold reaches of deep space and maybe start hitting those hard-to-reach places like Indiana."

Despite the lack of a recruiting reputation or anything in the way of game tape, this has to be considered a win for Alabama. They're rolling on the recruiting trail after winning their fourth championship in the past seven years, and that's the kind of profile you need if you're going to have an entire planet eating up blockers as a true nose tackle.

Attempts to contact Nibiru were unreturned, but my home printer turned on at 4 a.m. last night and printed 34 pages about the earth's poles shifting while ending with "Roll Tide."