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JIM HARBAUGH'S GUIDE TO DATING

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I JUST CALLED / TO SAY / I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

Jim Dedmon-USA TODAY Sports

Q: I'm dating a girl. We've been going out for six months now, and I feel like we're getting along great except for one thing: I can't stand the way she treats servers at restaurants. She snaps at them, tips poorly, and is often rude to them, and it often embarrasses me and the people we are with-- not to mention the poor server!

What can I do to help this otherwise perfect woman with her bad habit?

A: Great question. GREAT, GREAT question. When Andrew Luck came aboard at Stanford he had a similar problem. Used to take his shirt off to eat because "I get stuff on my shirts" and asked for mayonnaise on everything. I don't even mean a reasonable amount of the otherwise delicious condiment! I mean embarrassing amounts, just embarrassing. He dipped a churro in a bowl of it! He had a long way to go.

But he was a child and I trust in a lot of ways your girlfriend is, too. You must respect her. You MUST! What I recommend is to act as a model for good behavior and demonstrate good leadership for, and not against, your girlfriend. When the server asks if they can bring you butter, decline with a "no thank you," and then ask if you can do something for them! Bus the table. Bus several other tables. Follow them into the kitchen and ask how they're doing, and what they can do to help. If table two needs a fresh round of waters, well buddy go get them a fresh round of waters. Maybe ask if their fajitas are doing the job? Maybe go back and grill some more fajitas if the need them.

Show the staff just how much they mean to you, and give an act of service that goes beyond a tip. Unveil a banner that reads "COURTESY LIVES HERE" over your booth to drive home the point. Win courtesy. WIN IT.

Q: I'm terrible at romantic gestures, but I want to make this Valentine's Day really special. Any advice?

A: Hide in her floorboards and loud-whisper "I WILL LOVE YOU ACROSS THE BOUNDARIES OF DEATH" right as she's getting ready for bed. Edgar Allen Poe really understood women.

Q: I'm thinking about dating a coworker. Is this a good idea?

A: The only bad idea is to date someone who DOESN'T work with you. That person is not on your team. They're on team Meijer or team H&R Block or team County Land Appraiser's Office. Sure, maybe your company's not playing any of those teams next year. But every business is a potential competitor. Say you work for Hungry Man. You think Home Depot's not considering branching out into power tools that also have frozen dinners in the handles? I can tell you for a FACT they are, because I've written them with that suggestion at least 100 times.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately, and she told me last night that she needs more space right now. What should I do?

A: Trips right, leave a tight end in to block, and line her up way out wide on the left. If she can't find a soft spot in the defense you're better off without her anyways.

Q: I'm currently struggling to find a date and wonder: what can I do to feel more masculine, and thus attract more women?

A: Masculinity starts with the mind! The mind is the most powerful weapon in any situation. Alex Smith could not throw a football through a model of the Neuschwanstein Castle rendered in crepe paper! I know this because I made him try this in front of the entire team in San Francisco. Yet he stayed on the team, solely through the power of his mind! He is a great quarterback and a terrible demolisher of castles.

The following things might help you feel more masculine. All are very important. VERY. IMPORTANT.

1. Push-ups. It's bench-pressing the earth! For reps! Assists in love-making and shirt-filling. If you sweat, remember that it is the body crying for joy that you are finally using it.

2. Milk. Babies grow from it. Men remain strong with it. Even dogs crave it, but do not let them have it! The farts are just too tremendous for words.

3. Running exactly one mile. No more! The body was designed to run exactly one mile a day, which was the exact distance of eight furlongs. If a horse runs further than this in one day, that horse will die. Take one step further, and consider your superiority to the medieval horse. This will encourage CONFIDENCE.

4. Sleep. Rise early, too. Stare at the sun and dream of it burning greatness into you. The sun is the original champion!

5. Iron your pants. Any pair of slacks is a $400 pair as long as you forcefully steam a firm, demanding crease into them! Any man in neat clothing instantly becomes a king.