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THE CURIOUS INDEX UNLEASHES HELL

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AND LO! DABO, WRETCHED VISIGOTH, WAS CRUSHED UNDER FOOT.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Editor's Note: We know the Curious Index is an in season item, but Peter's on top of his shit and already had this written and ready to publish so we're not just gonna dump it, you jerks. Also we like screwing with you.

DIAL IT UP, QUINTUS. Assuming for the sake of argument that Nick Saban's not some demonic cyborg sent from the future to show us the right way to play football -- an assumpation I'm not 100% willing to make, but we continue onward -- he had to have been wound tighter than damn drum leading up to the title game on Monday night. It's the natural human reaction to a moment of such intense personal and professional importance.

So consider that as a starting point, and then consider that he was apparently waiting all game to call the onside kick that swung the game in Alabama's favor.

Alabama waited.

"We had the discussion every time we kicked off," [special teams coach Bobby] Williams said. "It was there."

The first four times Williams went over, Saban wasn't ready.

"I set it up, I coach them, get it done," Williams said. "He makes the call."

The play doesn't have a cool code name. The fifth time Alabama had to kick off, Saban decided it was time.

"He just said, 'Let's do it.'" Griffith said.

Pictured, Nick Saban at long last calling for the onside kick.

BIG BOSS OF THE NAWTH. Tom Herman's rap reference game may be the sharpest of any college football coach, but he now has competition from North Texas' Seth Littrell.

Keep this up and you might catch him at the Rose Bowl game in a four-door Range with a rose gold chain wrapped around his neck.

This is all very important.

PETTY PETTY PETTY PETTY PETTY. UCLA reportedly offered their offensive coordinator job to Lane Kiffin, in a spectacularly petty attempt to bring in an actually pretty good offensive coordinator, one that would probably like to grind his boot heel on USC's nethers. Probably has something to do with firing him on a tarmac in the middle of the damn night, I don't know. Kiffin didn't take the job, but that's a five-star effort from the Bruins.

FAREWELL, O PERFECT WEAPON. Derrick Henry is leaving Alabama early to go into the NFL Draft. This should be the default setting for all running backs, let alone ones that got as many carries as Henry this year. Henry was the highest stage of evolution for the Alabama running back Pokemon class, and it's difficult to imagine a creature being better suited to ruining opposing teams to Nick Saban's exact specifications. Get paid.

TREAT CHIP WELL, 49ERS*.

ETC. RIP Alan Rickman, stated perfectly by this Gawker headline as "star of everything he appeared in". He owned the damn screen anytime he was on it, whether he was being Snape, Hans Gruber, or Second Yorkshireman.

*They're not going to treat him well, this sucks. There's always room at the inn for you here, Chip. Just chill with the daily urine sample thing.