A GENTLEMAN AWAKENS IN NOGALES

HEY GUYS HEY GUYS HEY GUYS HEY GUYS--

THERE'S A THING WHERE YOU CAN'T GET BACK IN THE COUNTRY WITHOUT A PASSPORT NOW WHICH IS JUST TOO MUCH IF YOU ASK ME. HOW CAN A PASSPORT PROVE I'M ME IS WHAT I ASKED THE GUARD AND HE SAID BECAUSE IT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT AND I SAID WHOA BUDDY YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT A PIZZA HUT IS A PIZZA HUT JUST CAUSE IT HAS A SIGN ON IT THAT SAYS PIZZA HUT

AND HE SAID YES THAT'S PRETTY MUCH INDICATIVE OF A PIZZA HUT AND I SAID WELL WHAT ABOUT THE CHINESE PLACE THAT WAS A PIZZA HUT BUT IS NOW ONE OF THOSE MONGOLIAN BUFFET THINGS WITH THE GIANT GRILL THAT I DUNNO MAYBE YOU THREW A WHOLE TUB OF SHRIMP ON IN TEMPE. MAYBE THE GRILL CHEF REALLY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'D BEEN THROUGH IN THE LAST COUPLE OF HOURS.

MAYBE THE GRILL CHEF WAS A POLICEMAN, AND YOU'D JUST STUMBLED IN AT THE ARTIFICIAL CONSTRUCT OF CLOSING TIME AND DECIDED MEALTIME WAS ANY TIME WHEN YOU'RE SAD AND COVERED IN BROKEN GLASS BECAUSE DOORS DON'T HAVE BIG ENOUGH WORDS READING "DOOR" ON THEM TO WARN YOU ABOUT WALKING INTO THEM. DOORS REALLY NEED BIGGER DOOR SIGNS SAYING DOOR BECAUSE ON ONE SIDE I'M COOL AND ON THE OTHER SIDE I'M A FELON AND THAT SEEMS REAL ARBITRARY AND MAKES GLASS INTO A JUDGE? GLASS AIN'T THE LAW.

IS THAT A PIZZA HUT ANYMORE I ASKED OR HAS IT LOST ALL ITS PIZZAHUTNESS AND THEN HE ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY DRUGS ON MY PERSON AND I SAID WHOA PERSON WHO'S ASSUMING THINGS NOW OFFICER AND THEN I STEPPED BACK INTO MEXICO BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST THAT CONVERSATION WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND HE SEEMED REAL NEGATIVE. ONE OF EIGHT BALL'S RULES FOR 2016 IS TO REMOVE ALL NEGATIVE PEOPLE FROM MY LIFE AND THAT INCLUDES PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KEEP ME FROM LIVING MY LIFE OR ENTERING THE COUNTRY THAT I LOVE JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A

[HUGE AIR QUOTES MADE WITH FINGERS]

SIGN ON ME

[/HUGE AIR QUOTES MADE WITH FINGERS]

I YELLED "I KNOW WHAT A PIZZA HUT REALLY IS" AND WALKED BACK INTO NOGALES BECAUSE I'M FREE AND SO ARE THE BUSHES IN THE PARK IF YOU WAKE UP IN THEM. THE BUSHES DON'T LIE TO ME LIKE SOMEONE THAT'S RIGHT I'M TALKING TO YOU HECTOR YOU SAID A DRIVERS LICENSE WOULD BE ENOUGH AND ALSO THAT YOU WERE A DOCTOR AND THAT THE THING ON MY LEG LOOKED FINE

THE THING ON MY LEG DOES NOT LOOK FINE

IT SMELLS FUNNY AND HURTS A LITTLE

ANYWAY WE LOST AND I GO TO WHERE YOU GO WHEN YOU WANT TO FORGET ALL YOUR TROUBLES AND PAIN THAT'S RIGHT MEXICO. IF YOU THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN HERE THEN OH HO HO HO HO HO YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THAT IT'S OUR BEST STATE IF YOU ASK ME AND CERTAINLY NICER THAN ANYWHERE IN COLUMBIA SOUTH CAROLINA. MEXICANS DON'T SMOKE IN HOSPITALS AND DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD AND THAT'S WHY IT'S BETTER THAN COLUMBIA EVER WILL BE--

[/SWATS AT FLIES THAT AREN'T THERE FOR 20 SECONDS STRAIGHT]

--AND DON'T SAY I'M MAKING THAT UP UNTIL YOU'VE WOKEN UP SCREAMING IN THE PROVIDENCE HOSPITAL ER WITH A DOCTOR SMOKING A MARLBORO RED HOLDING THE CRASH PADDLES IN HIS HANDS. HE SAID IF I EVER NEEDED AN LYFT DRIVER TO CALL HIM BECAUSE HE DID THAT AS A SIDE HUSTLE. YOUR LYFT DRIVER PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE YOUR ER DOCTOR IS WHAT I'M SUGGESTING BUT I DUNNO YOU JUST HIRED WILL MUSCHAMP SO YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T LISTEN TO MANY PEOPLES ADVICES AND I RESPECT THAT SOUTH CAROLINA JUST LIVE YOUR TRUTH YOUR WAY AND DON'T LISTEN TO HATERS

DON'T BUY DRUGS FROM ANY MAN NAMED RED! HE IS A LIAR AND A THIEF, LIKE ALL REDS!

SO WHILE NOT SURE HOW I GOT HERE BUT LIFE'S NEVER ABOUT REMEMBERING HOW IT'S DECIDING WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING IN A MEXICAN PARK.  I KNOW HOW I'M SPENDING TONIGHT IT'S AT THE MOVIES I HAD THREE DOLLARS ON ME AND THAT'S ENOUGH TO WATCH THIS MOVIE ABOUT A MAN AND THE GIANT DOG WHO LOVES HIM. HE FIGHTS THE RELATIONSHIP THOUGH BECAUSE HE'S SO INDEPENDENT! I HOPE LOVE WINS IN THE END BECAUSE I ALWAYS DO. IT'S EITHER CALLED THE REVENANT OR INCREDIBLE JOURNEY 4 I FORGET BUT IT SOUNDS REAL EXCITING AND STARS A KIND OF FAT GUY.

ONE MORE THING: DID YOU KNOW IF YOU GET YOUR CAR STUCK IN DEEP WATER IN ARIZONA YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT IT'S TRUE THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY LIBERTARIANS ABOUT SOME STUFF. IF YOU WANT A USED CHEVY AVEO FROM HERTZ IT'S IN A DRY WASH SOMEWHERE SOUTH OF YUMA. IT DOESN'T RUN BUT YOU CAN MAKE A PLANTER OUT OF IT. IT'D MAKE A REAL NICE PLANTER FOR THE RIGHT GARDENER.