INSIDE A PENN STATE COACHES MEETING

HEAD COACH JAMES FRANKLIN: Ok, guys, I hope you all enjoyed a little rest, a little time with your families after the bowl game. Tough loss but I'm proud of the fight our team showed and I think it gives us something to build on next season. Before we get started on the recruiting update, I want to introduce our new offensive coordinator, Joe Moorhead.

OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR JOE MOORHEAD: Thanks, Coach. When I first got to Fordham, I inherited a team that had just gone 1-10 and hadn't finished at or above .500 in five seasons. Within two years, we won 11 games and made the FCS Playoffs. I believe Penn State has the tal-

INTERIM OL COACH IPAD PLAYING 300 ON LOOP: did you beat ohio state

MOORHEAD: Well, we didn't have them on the sch-

IPAD: because nobody's gonna give a shit unless you beat ohio state

FRANKLIN: Now, wait a second. If we're going to get the players to buy into our "one game at a time" approach, we can't get caught looking ahead.

CO-DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR STACK OF TIRES: that didn't exactly help us beat temple last year

FRANKLIN: Tires, don't start with this shit. We're not going to get better by dwelling on the past, okay?

(silence)

Okay. I've been looking over our recruiting numbers, and wide receiver's an area where we could really use a big signing or two. How's that coming?

RECRUITING COORDINATOR STORE-BOUGHT SALSA THAT'S BEEN IN THE FRIDGE FOR A WHILE NOW: Well, we were getting close to a commitment from one four star, but...

FRANKLIN: Just spit it out, Mild.

SALSA: (sighing) Jim Harbaugh married his mother just to prove how badly he wanted him on the team. So it's looking like he'll be a Wolverine on signing day.

MOORHEAD: But that's bigamy! How are Michigan fans okay with that?

SALSA: He told them it's just like splitting the '97 championship and they got all excited.

TIM PATERNO, WHO DID NOT GO TO PENN STATE AND IS NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY TO JOE PATERNO: Can I say something here?

FRANKLIN: Jesus, Tim, I specifically said you could attend these meetings so long as you sat quietly.

TIM: I WILL NOT BE SILENCED! NOT WHEN YOU'VE TAKEN THE CROWN JEWEL OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND TURNED IT INTO A SLIGHTLY MORE PLEASANT VERSION OF MARYLAND

FRANKLIN: Tim, we have talked over and over about the challenges I'm dealing with, but, fine. Say what you want to say.

TIM: Oh.

I just wanted to know if you'd considered my proposal to replace the goalposts with giant statues of Coach Paterno making a touchdown signal.

FRANKLIN: Tim, I don't thin-

TIM: HE WOULD HAVE WON THE BIG TEN LAST YEAR WITH NOTHING BUT WALK-ONS AND CONSCRIPTED ORPHANS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

IPAD: (whispering to Salsa) he only works here because the Board of Trustees is too terrified to ask him to leave