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WE ARE THE OFFSEASON

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A STAR-STUDDED BENEFIT CONCERT TO HELP THE VICTIMS OF NO MORE FOOTBALL

VOICEOVER: A humanitarian disaster unfolded last night in Glendale, Arizona, after a massive and devastating wave, a "Crimson Tide," as terrified onlookers described it, swept away the 2015 college football season. Millions of fans were left without access to football, takes or content as the coldest nights of winter set in. In response, the college football community has assembled its biggest and brightest names for an all-star benefit concert to help the disenfootballed.

[music starts]

SHIRTLESS JIM HARBAUGH: There comes a time when we heed a certain call
SHIRTLESS JIM HARBAUGH AND SHIRTLESS STEVE SPURRIER: When the world must come together as one
SHIRTLESS STEVE SPURRIER: There are people dying
CHIP KELLY, WHO MIGHT HAVE VISITED YOUR SCHOOL RECENTLY?: Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life
JON GRUDEN FOR NO GOOD REASON: The greatest gift of all, this guy

EVIL MARK RICHT: We can't go on pretending day by day
LES MILES: That someone, somewhere will soon make a change [snickers]
DABO SWINNEY: We're all a part of God's great big family
BILLY JOEL, YEP, HE'S IN THIS VERSION TOO, HE JUST WANDERED IN OFF THE STREET: And the truth
DABO SWINNEY AND BILLY JOEL: You know, love is all we need

STEVE SPURRIER, WHO HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUT OF HIS GOLF CART: We are the offseason, we are the web content
We are the ones who help you through a workday
So let's start bloggin', y'all

BRET BIELEMA, SMASHING THROUGH THE WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN: There's a choice we're making
We're saving your Tuesday afternoon
BIELEMA AND SPURRIER: It's true we'll make a better day, Just you and me

HOUSTON NUTT, WHO TOOK THIS GIG BEFORE IT WAS EVEN FULLY DESCRIBED: Well, send them your heps
So they'll know that someone cares
TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO BOTH APPEAR TO BE TOM HERMAN: And their lives will be stronger and free
TOM HERMAN #1: As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
TOM HERMAN #2: And so we all must lend a helping hand

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: We are the offseason, we are the web content

PRODUCER: hey a bunch of sportswriters just fainted, should we call an ambulance, or

A CHORUS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES PHOTOSHOPPED POORLY INTO HUMOROUS REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS, LIKE A FOOD TRUCK OR A TV SHOW OR SOMETHING I DUNNO: We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving
A CUTE DOG THAT NO ONE EVEN BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN A JUSTIFICATION FOR INCLUDING: BARK [subtitle] Oh, there's a choice we're making, for the next eight or nine months
SUNSPHERE: IT'S TRUE WE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY, JUST YOU AND ME

[the Stanford band barges in and just draws dicks on everything]

RYAN NANNI, MODERATING YOUR COMMENTS: When you're down and out
and there seems no hope at all
JIM HARBAUGH, WHO'S NOW COVERED IN BLOOD: But if you just believe, there's no way we can fail
MARK DANTONIO, NOT EVEN SINGING, JUST READING OFF A SHEET IN AN ANNOYED MONOTONE: Well, well, well, well let's realize, oh, that a change can only come [drops sheet, walks away]
LANE KIFFIN: When we [puts on sunglasses]
JOEY FRESHWATER: Stand together as one
ED ORGERON: YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH 

ALL THESE GREAT CHARACTERS AND MORE, IMAGINE I'D PHOTOSHOPPED THEM TOGETHER, BUT I DIDN'T, SINCE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HOST IMAGES PROPERLY: We are the offseason, we are the web content
We are the ones who get you through the workday, so let's start bloggin'