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THE CURIOUS INDEX REVELS IN THE WARM GLOW OF FOOTBALL

INEFFICIENT OFFENSES ARE CONSIDERED PART OF A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.

By Peter Berkes
Gene Sweeney Jr./Getty Images

WE'VE FORDED THE RIVER OFFSEASON. We all appreciated North Dakota State and Montana's efforts last weekend, but last night we got to real, Division I-A, FBS, large adult son football. Sure, most of the games were pretty bad, but they were real, and they happened, and for that we give thanks.

North Carolina should've beaten South Carolina, but Marquise Williams threw red zone picks to Skai Moore to bookend the game. The similarities in the two plays are truly uncanny.

TCU squeaked one out over Minnesota, and I just want to come tap on Trevone Boykin's shoulder and tell him like hey man you're throwing too much off your back foot just plant and drive and prosper, and I'm sure he'll be genuinely thankful for this information no one else can provide him.

Utah ate cupcakes after dispatching the khaki men from Michigan. As someone who's held a public grudge with a scientific publication -- no I don't want to get into it -- I 100% approve of Utah sticking it in the eye of Popular Mechanics at every opportunity. Also, Jim Harbaugh likes saying "JAKE BUTT!" too.

Oh, Colorado. You do not deserve this.

THIS IS FINE. The scandal at Rutgers was just merrily rolling along, and then five players went out and allegedly assaulted some people, including one of the players Kyle Flood was checking in on. Fortunately for Rutgers, they only appear to be losing most of their starting secondary, not the whole thing.

A REAL TRANSCRIPT.

Baylor official: You're suspended for the SMU game.
Shawn Oakman:
Baylor official: Please stop doing that, I know what you're doing. You're still suspended.
Shawn Oakman: Fine.

ETC.