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THE CURIOUS INDEX ENHANCES YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE

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DON'T FIGHT AT RESTAURANTS, BUT IF YOU DO, FIGHT AT THESE

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Because it's the week of Georgia's biggest home game, Bulldog receiver Isaiah McKenzie went to Chili's on a Monday night and allegedly said some threatening things to a fellow student. McKenzie hasn't been arrested at this time, nor has he been the subject of any punishment from Mark Richt, so it may be that there's nothing much to this. That doesn't mean we can't collectively learn two things from the incident.

First, don't start fights in restaurants. Restaurants are where we go to seek solace from the world's troubles, to drown the stress of work and family life in au jus and fill the empty tombs of our souls with chocolate lava cake. Starting an argument in a restaurant breaks this spell.

Second, if you're going to fight in a restaurant, please at least recognize which chains offer you the lowest risk of arrest, ejection, or other repercussion.

HIGH RISK: Bonefish Grill/Cheesecake Factory/P.F. Chang's/Waffle House

These are the establishments where people go on a "fancy" date. Those scare quotes are not meant to impugn the customers but, rather, to recognize that the food being served at these places isn't necessarily that different from some of the more casual seeming restaurants below. You could take an Awesome Blossom, drizzle it in soy sauce and throw some sesame seeds on top, call it "Emperor Shengzong's Umami Onion Lotus" and sell it for an extra seventeen dollars at P.F. Chang's. Do not start shit here; you'll ruin things for Skip, who's trying to get back into Breanne's good graces after puking on her at the Zac Brown Band concert last week.

Why's Waffle House on here? Because there's a substantial chance whoever you're getting into a screaming match with has warrants and a gun and doesn't care about the former.

MEDIUM RISK: California Pizza Kitchen/Chili's/Buca di Beppo/Outback Steakhouse/Olive Garden

These are the "nice-ish" restaurants, which is to say that they're good enough to trick a middle schooler or an elderly grandparent into believing you're treating them to a special meal. They're also good candidates for business travelers who want to splurge a little with the company's expense account but not in a way that actually gets them in any trouble. A verbal altercation in one of these chains is not going to be welcomed, but there is a small chance that you won't be the disruptive person present. This is especially true at Chili's, which almost always has at least one person who's pounding neon blue cocktails at a rate that suggests a lack of either emotional self-care or liver awareness, so we understand McKenzie's mistake.

LOW RISK: Applebee's/Cracker Barrel/Hooters/Steak 'n Shake/IHOP/TGI Friday's

Many of these restaurants have the advantage of being noisy as hell, so you cursing someone out may go entirely unnoticed thanks to the din of families on a road trip, loud high schoolers skipping class, and dudes who wear football jerseys to church. There are exceptions, of course. For instance, don't start a fight in the merchandise section of a Cracker Barrel. They will charge you for every candy stick and audio book you damage in the process. And don't get into it on a weekend morning at IHOP. There are grandpas aplenty, and they will shame you so mercilessly for acting like an idiot.

NO RISK: Beef 'O' Brady's/Bennigan's/Denny's/Fuddruckers

Go nuts. I'm pretty sure you could kill a man in a Bennigan's and they'd only call the cops if you refused to order something.