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RANDY EDSALL GOES TO THE MOVIES

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LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOOOOOOBBY, AND LOSE TO BOWLING GREEN

It's been a rough start to the season for the Maryland Terrapins. A surprising loss to pesky MAC power Bowling Green in Week 2 was followed up by a brutal, score-settling beatdown at the hands of Dana Holgorsen's Mountaineers in Week 4. Their 2-2 start has them on the precipice of a potential tailspin, with their next three games against resurgent Michigan, #1 Ohio State, and historical archrival Penn State.

Fortunately, they have strong leadership to rely on, in head coach and Noted Dream-Haver Randy Edsall, who-

Okay, well maybe that just means he's fostered a culture of leadership there and has empowered the players to step up themselves, inspired by his wit, wisdom and-

[takes off glasses]

[rubs bridge of nose]

Randy, we've got eight more games to get through, could you... just... [sighs] [puts head on desk]

Alright, we've got to clear this up. [dials phone]

US: Hi, is Coach Edsall available?

RANDY EDSALL, picking up: You've had me, it's hello!

US: We...  we didn't say...  whatever, okay, Coach, this is Every Day Should Be Saturday, we wanted to reach out to you about comments you made after this week's loss to West Virginia, and...

EDSALL: This is about the Forrest Gump thing, isn't it?

US, relieved: Well, yes, actually.

EDSALL: Look, all I was trying to say is, "Stupid is or stupid does," you know? If you do a stupid thing, then it's done. If you don't, it's just stuck inside you, and then you're the stupid one, understand?

US: That makes absolutely no sense.

EDSALL: It's the foundation of our offense.

US: That makes a lot more sense. On that note, what adjustments do you expect to make to the passing game, as Maryland QBs currently lead the FBS in interceptions thrown?

EDSALL: I've been telling our QBs, it's like Tom Hanks said in The League, "don't cry over spilled baseballs." Now, obviously, we play football, I'm told, but I think that applies here as well.

US: It most certainly does not.

EDSALL: Did you ever see Jurassic Park?

US: Of course.

EDSALL: Life's gonna find ya.

US: That's not the line and you know it.

EDSALL: One way or another, it'll getcha getcha getcha getcha.

US: That's a Blondie song.

EDSALL, impressed: Well then, I'll have whatever you're having!

US: If you re-enact the rest of that scene I'm calling the cops.

EDSALL: Listen, forget it, Jake. When you're in Chinatown you're in Chinatown all the way.

US: I don't see how this addresses your defensive struggles at all.

EDSALL: That's from Big Trouble In Little China.

US: No it's not. It's not from anything.

EDSALL: Frank, you're dear to me, but I don't give a damn.

US: What we're trying to get at here, Coach, if we can refocus even briefly - are you concerned that your team is regressing this year? You had a promising start in your first year in the B1G, surprising a lot of skeptics by going 4-4 in conference play. This year you're looking rudderless so far, and with both Michigan and Indiana showing early improvement, the Big Ten East could be a tougher division. You might struggle to even make a bowl game at this rate. What do you have to say?

EDSALL: Every week is a chance to turn things around. Every game starts 0-0, that's what I try to impress on our players. Sure, we got beaten pretty badly last week, but you've got to put it behind you. It's a new week, a new game, and you start fresh.

US: That's surprisingly coherent, I sup-

EDSALL: It's like Lauren Bacall said in To Have And Have Not, once you put your lips together on that whistle, all you've gotta do is blow!

US, wearily: Well you've certainly got that part down.