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RANDY EDSALL GOES TO THE MOVIES

LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOOOOOOBBY, AND LOSE TO BOWLING GREEN

By ActionCookbook

It's been a rough start to the season for the Maryland Terrapins. A surprising loss to pesky MAC power Bowling Green in Week 2 was followed up by a brutal, score-settling beatdown at the hands of Dana Holgorsen's Mountaineers in Week 4. Their 2-2 start has them on the precipice of a potential tailspin, with their next three games against resurgent Michigan, #1 Ohio State, and historical archrival Penn State.

Fortunately, they have strong leadership to rely on, in head coach and Noted Dream-Haver Randy Edsall, who-

Okay, well maybe that just means he's fostered a culture of leadership there and has empowered the players to step up themselves, inspired by his wit, wisdom and-

[takes off glasses]

[rubs bridge of nose]

Randy, we've got eight more games to get through, could you... just... [sighs] [puts head on desk]

Alright, we've got to clear this up. [dials phone]

US: Hi, is Coach Edsall available?

RANDY EDSALL, picking up: You've had me, it's hello!

US: We...  we didn't say...  whatever, okay, Coach, this is Every Day Should Be Saturday, we wanted to reach out to you about comments you made after this week's loss to West Virginia, and...

EDSALL: This is about the Forrest Gump thing, isn't it?

US, relieved: Well, yes, actually.

EDSALL: Look, all I was trying to say is, "Stupid is or stupid does," you know? If you do a stupid thing, then it's done. If you don't, it's just stuck inside you, and then you're the stupid one, understand?

US: That makes absolutely no sense.

EDSALL: It's the foundation of our offense.

US: That makes a lot more sense. On that note, what adjustments do you expect to make to the passing game, as Maryland QBs currently lead the FBS in interceptions thrown?

EDSALL: I've been telling our QBs, it's like Tom Hanks said in The League, "don't cry over spilled baseballs." Now, obviously, we play football, I'm told, but I think that applies here as well.

US: It most certainly does not.

EDSALL: Did you ever see Jurassic Park?

US: Of course.

EDSALL: Life's gonna find ya.

US: That's not the line and you know it.

EDSALL: One way or another, it'll getcha getcha getcha getcha.

US: That's a Blondie song.

EDSALL, impressed: Well then, I'll have whatever you're having!

US: If you re-enact the rest of that scene I'm calling the cops.

EDSALL: Listen, forget it, Jake. When you're in Chinatown you're in Chinatown all the way.

US: I don't see how this addresses your defensive struggles at all.

EDSALL: That's from Big Trouble In Little China.

US: No it's not. It's not from anything.

EDSALL: Frank, you're dear to me, but I don't give a damn.

US: What we're trying to get at here, Coach, if we can refocus even briefly - are you concerned that your team is regressing this year? You had a promising start in your first year in the B1G, surprising a lot of skeptics by going 4-4 in conference play. This year you're looking rudderless so far, and with both Michigan and Indiana showing early improvement, the Big Ten East could be a tougher division. You might struggle to even make a bowl game at this rate. What do you have to say?

EDSALL: Every week is a chance to turn things around. Every game starts 0-0, that's what I try to impress on our players. Sure, we got beaten pretty badly last week, but you've got to put it behind you. It's a new week, a new game, and you start fresh.

US: That's surprisingly coherent, I sup-

EDSALL: It's like Lauren Bacall said in To Have And Have Not, once you put your lips together on that whistle, all you've gotta do is blow!

US, wearily: Well you've certainly got that part down.