You know, as EDSBS's resident Ohioan, I was going to leave the whole "reverting the former Mount McKinley's name to Denali" thing be. First and foremost, I think Denali's the proper name and always has been, and it's only been meddling Ohio politicians with their own agendas keeping it otherwise. Besides, what do I care? I'm not climbing it.
And then I had to listen to the poisonous anti-Ohio slander being bandied about in yesterday's Shutdown Fullcast by three SEC partisans (it begins around 17:00, but you should listen to the whole thing, it's good. Libelous Southern charlatans though they are).
Well, no sir, I'm just not going to stand here and listen to the good name of Ohio be sullied by people who root for a conference that hasn't won a championship in years. You think we can't rename things? You think we can't just pick crap at random in other states and rename it after our own mediocre Presidents and assorted luminaries? WELL GUESS WHAT. Starting Monday night in Blacksburg, Urban Meyer's hydra-headed hellbeast is busting out the labelmaker and going on a Renaming World Tour.
And here's the thing: I didn't go to Ohio State, and I don't even really like them. Damned if I'm not going to claim their accomplishments as my own, though.
September 7th - @ Virginia Tech: PREDICTION: Ohio State 42, VT 21
Awfully proud of Jamestown, aren't ya? Well, now it's James A. Garfieldtown.
Wait, no. Let's make that LeBron Jamestown. We gotta keep that guy happy this time around, let's be real.
September 12th - vs. Hawaii: PREDICTION: OSU 52, Hawaii 14
Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Fellas, you're gonna try to spend the rest of the season Forgetting Jalin Marshall. Also, Oahu's now Oahio.
September 19th - vs. Northern Illinois: PREDICTION: OSU 62, NIU 33
Northern Illinois? You're not fooling me. Don't feed me toothfish and call it sea bass, I know you're just Iowa. You can change your name and move to another town, Ferentz is still gonna find you and coach you. Anyways, you get William Henry Harrison, because just like his presidency, that Orange Bowl technically happened, but it was over pretty darn quick.
September 26th - vs. Western Michigan: PREDICTION: OSU 58, WMU 6
Ugh, it feels gross to name something in Michigan after the fine people of Ohio. I wonder if there's some way I can kill two birds with one stone and embarrass another Ohio school in the process. Wait, I've got it.
Guess who's gonna ride your wild horses this season, Broncos? University of Cincinnati graduate The Nevernude Your Aunt Carol Took A Picture With After Eating At Guy Fieri's Restaurant.
October 3rd - @ Indiana: PREDICTION: OSU 42, Indiana 0
Well, I just feel bad about this one. You guys are beaten down enough, I mean, football season wraps up, and where do you go from there? To this guy. Doesn't seem fair to pick on you further. You can have sole claim to Benjamin Harrison and I wish you well in your future endeavors.
October 10th - vs. Maryland: PREDICTION: OSU 38, UM 14
What's that you're sprinkling on your crab and fries? Why, it's everyone's favorite Mid-Atlantic flavor dust, Old B'Hayes seasoning!
October 17th - vs. Penn State: PREDICTION: OSU 28, PSU 21
Mount Nittany? Not anymore.
Now it's Mount Palicki, because she's from Toledo, and hey - we've all had weird, season-ruining subplots we'd like to forget.
October 24th - @ Rutgers: PREDICTION: OSU 52, Rutgers 28
Grease trucks? Shit, Taft woulda loved you guys, and we all know you can get down with a Rubenesque politician. But he was a pretty accomplished Supreme Court Justice, and let's be real: y'all the Warren G. Harding of this conference.
November 7th - vs. Minnesota: PREDICTION: OSU 41, Minnesota 17
More than the lakes'll be woebegone after this one, Keillor. Still, I dig your Dilly Bar style, so we'll give you a good one. It's Minneapolis-St. Paul Newman now. Enjoy the knockoff Oreos.
November 14th - @ Illinois: PREDICTION: OSU 58, Illinois 3
Down to brass tacks: your old mascot's problematic and we only support that for perpetually-frustrating baseball teams. You're the Fighting Isleys now. It's your thing, do what you wanna do, but do it somewhere else, Tim Beckman.
November 21st - vs. Michigan State: PREDICTION: OSU 40, Michigan State 28
Sounds really scary when you first hear about them, but then you spend an hour with them and it really wasn't bad at all? Why, that sounds like Canton's own Marilyn Manson! Both of you unleashed some creepy stuff on the world in the late '90s, too.
Oh, and Charles Manson's from Ohio too, but we figured you're used to being the second Google result around town. East Marilyn Manson it is.
November 28th - @ Michigan: PREDICTION: OSU 52, Michigan 35
Alright, on that note, though, we've produced a surprising number of serial killers ourselves, like there's a whole section on our "famous people from Ohio" Wikipedia on the matter, and all we're saying is check Harbaugh's basement periodically. Go in teams.
Anyways, I'm getting off track. It's Beverly D'Angelo Arbor now.
December 5th - B1G Championship Game
Who's the sacrificial West winner going to be? Most people think Wisconsin again, or maybe Nebraska. They're both breaking in new coaches, though, and Madison and Lincoln are already named after better presidents than any of ours. We'll go Minnesota again. Prediction? OSU 33, Minnesota 14, and the Juicy Lucy's now the Juicy Ulysses S. Grant.
December 31st - Orange Bowl vs. #4 TCU: PREDICTION: OSU 38, TCU 24
It stands for Tim Conway University now, 'cause you're family-friendly and your schedule's old-fashioned comedy.
January 11th - College Football Championship Game vs. #2 Baylor: PREDICTION: OSU 56, Baylor 42
Yeah, I know what Briles thinks of last year. But you know what? We're from Ohio. We've dealt with problematic Art before, so it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings here.
In fact, we're sympathetic! We're gonna rename McLane Stadium after the guy who started this whole discussion - you play in McKinley Stadium now.
Because going to Buffalo in September didn't do him any good either.