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THE CURIOUS INDEX JUMPS ON YOUR BACK

SORRY ABOUT THE TIME A MASCOT RE-INJURED YOUR BACK BUDDY

By Spencer Hall

FORKED EM UP, SPARKY

In addition to losing heinously 42-14 to USC at home, Arizonal State mascot Sparky also capped the evening by sending a local councilman to the hospital Saturday night. No, Sparky's unblinking stare and fixed, fiendish grin do not make this funny. It is not funny at all. Especially not this part:

SparkyBackSurgery

CORRECTION: THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK. ANY MORON CAN CHECK A DATE BUT IT TAKES A REAL MORON TO NOT CHECK IT AT ALL. HI.

DON'T SPEED IN GERMANTOWN, EVER. You can pretty much re-enact whole stretches of Fury Road on downtown Memphis streets without fear of being pulled over or bothered, but don't ever, ever speed in Germantown, young man. Never, ever speed in Germantown.

BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER PROBLEMS AT FLORIDA TO SOLVE. UAA is banning the "Move back, you suck" chant after probably three or four horrible people complained about this small, relatively inoffensive chant. The person quoted in that article said the chant was "immature and childish" while discussing how serious a child's game played in a stadium painted orange should be.

GIVE BACK ZEKE'S DIREWOLF, DAMMIT. Ezekiel Elliott had his giant white wolf dog of a dog stolen from his Columbus home. If you steal a dog you are the worst person in the world and deserve to be thrown into an industrial shredder, so someone please find the person who did this and then throw them into an industrial shredder, and not just because the dog's urgently needed on a television show popular with closeted sadists.

S&P IS OUT AND UMMMMM. Florida's 21st, because statistics can be strange. WVU's third, because the Mountaineers might be the most sneaky-good team in the nation.

ETC: This is a very good game, though we got very upset whenever we missed the Actaviz power-ups. Row the boat?

ROW THE BOAT.