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HATIN' ASS SPURRIER HATCHES A CONSPIRACY

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OH TENNESSEE. OHHHHHH, WE GOTTA TALK, TENNESSEE.

Some might say their performance at Syracuse was underwhelming, but I'm just proud of LSU for finally crossing the 50 yard line in a dome.

Les let Brandon Harris throw it two times in the red zone. Last time an LSU quarterback threw it up twice in a row they banned Jordan Jefferson from Walk-Ons for life.

They call it the Carrier Dome cause you take that sickness with you when you leave.

Hell no, I don't remember who Kirby Dar Dar was. Why?

You have three options on every play, Georgia Tech. Gavrilo Princip only had one, but he still managed to put down a Duke.

Paul Johnson hasn't lost this badly to Notre Dame and Duke grads since the bank came after his farm in '82.

Frank Beamer called losing to East Carolina a preseason game. VT plays a lot of those, evidently.

Mark Dantonio out there struggling against a MAC team like he's got a $15 million buyout and a Hawkeye tat on his leg.

Bielema losing to chips seems believable, though.

Damn, Art. I'm amazed Rice stayed at the blackjack table after that.

Owls learned how to turn their heads 270 degrees so they wouldn't have to watch that.

No, I didn't see the ref behind the grassy knoll, Texas.

You're literally saying it was a false flag operation, Texas.

I am gonna start calling the Longhorn defense the Bilderberg group cause they're supposedly elite but no one ever seems to see them in public.

I can see why you're still mad, though. A failure to execute properly seems like the least Texan thing possible.

Y'all must be aristocrats, Longhorns. Only ever seen rich people blame the butler for the dog shitting on the rug.

I got my own conspiracy theory: Operation Orthwoods. I start Perry Orth, win four games, resign, and go hit my woods for 36 holes a day.

They called Brigham Young the American Moses, so I see why the offense died without reaching the end zone.

Original Mormons had to bring in a backup, too.

Probably not a great sign for Indiana recruiting if they can't even get David Pollack's skinny ass to commit.

Call Auburn Marshall Henderson cause they're throwing up threes against Miss State.

Gus Malzahn can't win without Gene Chizik.

It took A&M five quarters to beat Arkansas, which means the Razorbacks are easier than Donkey Kong.

Weird day when you see Aggies struggling with some hogs and don't call the police or your pastor.

Figures one of the Christian schools in Texas won by laying hands and making a miracle.

I call TCU the College Football Iceland because it's beautiful to watch and has no active defense force.

I call Texas Tech's offense The Big Bang Theory because it puts up big numbers, is indefensible, and no one I know watches it.

Missouri's offense is so unproven Kentucky might make it part of the state science curriculum.

Kentucky could end up first in the SEC East. Look at what other things Kentucky is first in and tell me not to cry in public.

Arizona State left the building early against USC. That's a signature Todd Graham move, though.

Lotta people pick the Grand Canyon, but I think if you're visiting Arizona you should take the guided tour of UA's end zone. There's one leaving every five minutes or so.

If you're gonna shit your pants on national TV, you might as well be the school that says "Bear down" a lot.

Way to take Charlie Manson's record for bloodiest home invasion on the West Coast, Utah.

Oregon couldn't pass on Utah's defense. Makes them tougher than the Fourteenth Amendment, I guess.

Don't blame the Utes, blame their state government. A lot of people have to go all the way to Oregon to legally smoke some green.

Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, too, so Utah won't face any charges there.

Well the game ain't called "The Oregon Lead."

This Duck dynasty got shut down so fast I had to make sure Phil Robertson didn't give an interview about Islam.

Oh, Tennessee.

[HATIN' ASS SPURRIER BREATHES IN A PAPER BAG FOR FIVE MINUTES DUE TO OVEREXCITEMENT]

Tennessee, if I wanted to watch someone run out the clock with thirty minutes left I'd go watch a Wes Anderson movie.

Butch Jones' offense is perfect for Tennessee. It only practices abstinence half the time, too.

Tennessee allowed so many fourth down conversions I thought Billy Graham was running the defense.

Course, I might just be confused because it's been so long since Billy or UT Football got a White House invite.

Butch Jones must have a theater degree because he only follows the three-act structure.

You think Butch has ever won a game of Connect Four?

I've been to the Cheesecake Factory with Phil Fulmer and I'll say this: he never passes up the chance to get two even if one is safer.

Butch Jones runs his program by the numbers. These numbers: seven and five.

If y'all don't like it, maybe move to Smooth Top.