4TH & SHORT FALLS INTO WEEK 4

Hey. HEY. HEY EVERYONE. Guess what. Guess what.

IT'S FALL, BITCHES.

That's right, Week 4 finally crosses the line from late summer into fall. The air's getting cooler, conference play is starting, and the leaves! Why, everywhere you look, there's the sight of Auburn plummeting!

What promised on paper to be a relatively uninspired slate of games this week naturally turned into a wild, unpredictable bonanza that's going to ripple for weeks to come. Let's have at it!

COME ON, YOU SAID WE'D GO ON A WALK AN HOUR AGO

This isn't real.

This is arena football.

This is like those NBA draft videos of foreign players posting up against folding chairs.

I've shown better tackling chasing my own butt.

I KNOW I DIDN'T HAVE TO WATCH KANSAS-RUTGERS

I could do anything I want to. There are other games on. Or I could go outside and appreciate the fall air. Maybe go to a street festival or something. This door isn't even latched. I can leave any time I want to. I don't fear freedom. You fear freedom.

Okay, I'll just watch the first half.

HEY, MARYLAND, HOW'D YOUR WEEKEND GO?

I don't want to talk about it.

THE BUTCH JONES MEMORIAL "I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM WITH THE GAMEPLAN" AWARD

Everything is fine. We're moving forward and looking to our next game. I've almost got that squirrel.

This doesn't define me.

WHAT AM I BEGGING FOR THIS WEEK?

White pizza! Food argument fodder for the comments: is white pizza real pizza, or is just flatbread? LETTERS ONLY.

(Ed note: once again I must note that she always gets fed well after these pictures are taken, but the pizza had onions and I've paid enough in vet bills over the years.)

SHORT LEGS, TALL ORDER OF THE WEEK

Well, I decided Friday night that I really wanted to dedicate this space to my new favorite player, 5'10" sophomore running back Daniel Hamm of Virginia. But, Virginia lost badly to Boise State, and Hamm only had 42 total yards. Just like Mike London's continued employment as a major college head coach, I simply can't justify it. I'm so disappointed.

VIRGINIA HAMM. We could have had it all.

I was sure there wouldn't be anything that spoke to me so directly come Saturday.

And then...

... Utah's 5'8" freshman receiver Britain Covey pulled in two touchdowns in a historic, conference-shaking 62-20 upset blowout of Oregon at Autzen Stadium.

Britain. BRITAIN. 

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND GO UTES.

LET'S HAVE A DIVERSION THAT'S ABOUT SQUIRRELS, BUT IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT SQUIRRELS

The last couple of weeks, my yard's been busier than ever, with the local squirrels busying themselves in preparation for the winter. It's been keeping me busy too, as I find it my solemn responsibility to tell each and every one of them how I feel about them.

I get what they're doing. We all want nuts now. Nuts are delicious, and who doesn't enjoy some good nuts?

You just want to make sure you store up enough nuts, so come winter, you're ready.

I bet we'll have plenty of nuts left.