What has become of you, Hate Week? You used to be strong and mean, an angry beast to be reckoned with. You would determine whole seasons, deciding which Sneetches would enjoy a feast of human despair and which would be on the carving table. (In this example, Tennessee fans are the Sneetches with stars on their bellies, for obvious reasons.) I mean, just look at some of the knives Holly and Spencer stuck into each other in the 2007 Hate Week piece.
From Spencer, to Holly:
I will set you up on a blind date with Andy Dick.
I will buy you season tickets to Syracuse football.
I will force you to read Jay Mohr.
I will name you as Wake Forest's starting qb in game one of a season.
I will lock you in a room with Bob Davie and ask him to explain the zone blitz to you.
And the return volleys from Aunt Stabby.
I will dress you as a fruit stand and cast you in a big-budget action flick. Fruit stands never last, man.
Alternately: I will cast you in a one-episode arc as a love interest of Captain Kirk.
I WILL STUFF YOU INSIDE A MORGANTOWN SOFA. ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
I will knock you out, tie you up, strap a baby in a onesie reading THEY'RE RAISING ME GAY to your chest, and leave you in Neyland.
I will put you in a houndstooth hat and assless chaps with a t-shirt that says "Bears for Bear."
I will tell Jared Lorenzen you're filled with strawberry parfait. And hand him a very small spoon.
This is what Hate Week should be, but it's not anymore. Please figure this out, Florida and Tennessee. We don't expect you to do so this year, as we're fully prepared for some 13-12 bullshit game with nine turnovers and the winning score coming on a holding call in the end zone. But please. Give us back our reasons to hate.