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BRET BIELEMA DRIVES A TRUCK INTO AN ARBY'S

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THIS ISN'T EVEN A CONFERENCE ARBY'S

WHOA. This Arby's shouldn't have been here. What's this Arby's doing here? I need to see a manager. I need to see one immediately.

Ma'am, please get out from under that tire. I just bought it. $733 a piece, and I bought a whole set. You should be able to see the water-deflecting grooves hand-carved by Italian craftsman, especially from where you're laying. Under my tire. You gotta move, lady.

No, I'm not okay, Mr. Manager. Who put this Arby's here? How do you work here, every day, knowing this Arby's could just dart into the way of an innocent driver? Like me? I didn't do anything wrong. I was just minding my business, answering a few emails and streaming a few adult movies on my phone. Like I can do, because this is America.

I believe in that, and in American football. Do you? Do you have a fire extinguisher, and some cat litter? Because you better get some. That gas is leaking and you probably want to clean it up before it goes up and you've got a bigger mess on your hands than the one you've already made. Yeah. You.

Oh, so you wanna make this a thing? It's not a thing. I know plenty of guys who hit Arby's and went on to great things. Hitting this Arby's doesn't mean I'm gonna have a bad day. Neither did hitting that Hardee's across the street, btw. Go ask them. They were cool about it, unlike SOME people around here. Hell, Bill Clinton drove into three in a day once in 1991. And look where he ended up.

When you drive as much as we do, you're gonna have bumps. We don't shrink from challenges at Arkansas. Could we be like the Ohio States of the world and just make sandwiches at home, safe from the possibility of jumping a curb because you were trying to find Jerky Boys on your iPhone? Absolutely. But we don't. We drive into the Arby's. We drive THROUGH the Arby's.

This is a metaphor.

Please don't tell my attorney I admitted to driving through the Arby's.

Buddy, this isn't even a conference Arby's. If people want to get upset and press charges and demand that I forfeit my license over an Arby's in North Carolina, they're the ones with a problem. You want to make this about assigning blame? Go right ahead. Because I think this is a safety issue, and I want to talk about a reasonable solution.

We need to build smaller Arby's.

I gotta get out of here. My boss doesn't like hearing about coaches crashing things. The bill for the damage to the front of my car will be in the mail. It'll be addressed to ARBY'S, DUMBASSVILLE, POPULATION: YOU. Pretty sure the post office will get it to you ASAP.

Might wanna tell the fry cook to move. I've done this before, and the path through one of these babies goes right past where those delicious triangular hash brown thingies are made. Might grab a few as I go by. That's what I call a run game, buddy. You take care.

[/Bielema roars off through what remains of the Arby's]