THE [TIME OF DAY REDACTED] CONSTITUTIONAL SHOULD BE A CURIOUS INDEX

I HATE THIS STUPID SONG. Ignoring the feelings of Auburn fans (which, hell, could function as an unofficial motto for EDSBS), Chuckie Keeton's 2011 game against the Tigers is one of the most fun things in recent college football history, in no small part because it was his first start and Keeton was a true freshman. We formed an unspoken agreement to follow and support Chuckie Keeton after that, hoping this was just the beginning of great and wonderful things. 2012 seemed to be an extension of that, when Utah State finished 11-2, with the losses coming against Wisconsin and BYU by a combined five points.

Then Keeton tore his ACL and MCL and missed most of the second half of 2013. He hurt the same knee in 2014 and didn't even make it to October. And now, after three weeks of the 2015 season - his medical redshirt year - Chuckie Keeton's going to miss at least another month with another knee injury. We hate this series of events for entirely selfish reasons, but it's so much worse and unfair for Chuckie.

PLEASE HOLD ALL TICKETS. Jeremy Johnson's no longer the starting quarterback at Auburn, which could just be a ploy to keep Johnson healthy until the Iron Bowl, when he surprisingly gets the start and leads the Tigers to a stunning victory over the Crimson Tide and wins the Heisman based on the strength of one amazing game WAR EAGLE.

THIS NEWS ITEM IS NOT ABOUT AUBURN. One UCLA cornerback is out for the year with a broken foot and hey look at that that other UCLA cornerback who was suspended to start the year because he allegedly took a phone from an Uber driver is back on the team! When God closes a Bruin door, He opens a UCLA window, through which Jim Mora climbs out and takes the Colts job.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. Gary Patterson decided the best way to handle questions about two of his players being accused of punching a student and stealing beer was to make reference to Baylor's sexual assault case. It's easy to excuse this as a coach going a bit too far in taking down one of his rival schools, but. But. The crime that took place at Baylor and the incredibly flawed institutional decisions that followed it shouldn't be the kind of thing Patterson, or anyone else, for that matter, uses as casual trash talk. This wasn't an embarrassing football loss or a coach yelling like an idiot at a press conference. Please don't treat it like one.