HATIN' ASS SPURRIER EATS SOME TWIZZLERS

Congrats on scoring fifty in Athens, UGA. Bout time someone other than me did it.

Usually when a Georgia fan's that happy about hitting 50 it's because he can finally justify a Levitra prescription.

His last name's Orth because he doesn't have a W yet.

People said it looked like Greyson Lambert was throwing against air, but that's wrong. Air puts pressure on things.

If Georgia fans really want to avenge past wrongs, they'll get everyone in the UVA Admissions office fired.

B.C.'s the right name for that offense because every pass looks like it came out of a trebuchet.

He only scored one offensive touchdown in Boston, so maybe Jimbo IS perfect for that Bills job in a couple of years.

Figures that a Nick Saban team would have problems defending height.

Alabama fans were leaving that stadium like there was an overturned truck full of cigarettes outside.

If you want to steal all the stuff out of Lane Kiffin's apartment in Tuscaloosa just wear a Derrick Henry jersey. Won't even be able to see you walking out with his flatscreen.

Well, now we know Nick Saban's not a Sith Lord, because they never lost to the Rebels twice in a row.

That Chad Kelly pass for a TD off an Alabama DB is the first time anyone from Alabama's ever tipped.

Auburn and Alabama are winless in conference since gay marriage was legalized. THANKS OBAMA. (No seriously, thanks, this is great, buddy.)

Didn't know Auburn was so anti-evolution that they'd keep it out of their defense.

Cardale Jones is great at Twitter because @NIUDefense isn't an account that exists.

Wouldn't think Ohio State would have that much trouble with the Huskies, considering that's the jeans fit for 80% of their fanbase.

I wouldn't worry if you're a Buckeye fan. Urban Meyer's got a history of serious illness that turns out to be nothin'. (

Bama's kick return unit should be a teen pregnancy PSA.

I thought his name was Cooper Batman because he disappeared real quick after hitting his opponents right in the chest.

Well, I guess it works since the most common phrase in an Ohioan's obituary is "struggled with dogs."

Noah and Bielema are basically the same fella: two drinkin' dudes who built an Ark that's only gonna have eight people on board by the end of the season.

I don't think following Christ's example has to mean offering up a human sacrifice every week, Notre Dame.

This new Pope's a progressive, but I don't think he wants to see you manhandling a Johnson on TV, Notre Dame.

Greg Oden thinks Notre Dame is injury-prone.

That Texas extra point was so far right it'll probably be the State Attorney General in three years.

Texas out there losing to bears so bad even Werner Herzog wouldn't watch it.

Somebody dig up Orson Welles so we can make him read Gus Malzahn's preseason thoughts on Jeremy Johnson over the radio.

People criticize infrastructure in this country, but I don't think any European nation offers a drive as smooth as Auburn's D.

Guess Nebraska had LL Cool J as their pregame speaker, because nobody calls that a comeback.

Nebraska that ain't the first time someone's let their balls go somewhere they shouldn't in Miami.

Congrats to UCF, who found the first way to die in Orlando at the hands of a Furman that doesn't involve a Disney character orgy gone wrong.

George O'Leary's undefeated in court, though.

We get it, Kentucky. 29 straight proves you're not into dudes.

You can tell Florida and Kentucky are basketball schools because they make millions to put up 14 and 9.

Iowa-Pitt finally answers the question "where do you a dump a body so nobody finds it?"

I call USC "Gawker West" because they had their year ruined by a gimpy old Hogan.

I call USC the Catholic Birth Control Sermon 'cause they're Trojans getting dissed by the Cardinal.

I call USC a keyboard 'cause they get mashed by nerds all the time.

I call USC VIVID Entertainment because they're in LA and I only see them on my TV late at night getting pounded.

I call USC toddlers because they only know two songs, go crazy over a horse, and shit the bed consistently.

I call USC Twizzlers 'cause they're overrated, red, stale, and only useful when you don't have something else that can suck.