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THE CURIOUS INDEX ENJOYS THE BELUGA CAVIAR THAT IS BAMA TEARS

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IT COSTS SO MUCH MONEY BUT NICK SABAN'S PRODUCT IS STILL JUST DIVINE

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REVEL IN THEIR PAIN. When you were a kid, there was probably some food you particularly enjoyed not because it was the most delicious thing in the world, but because it was so rarely available to you. You can have that food whenever you want as an adult, and you likely don't enjoy it as much, because even if it's an occasional treat, self-enforced scarcity just isn't the same, psychologically. But there is a way to experience that same childlike delight as a grown person, because Alabama only lets you snack on pictures of despondent fans once or twice a year. Thank you, sad Tide supporters. You make me feel like an 8 year old who gets his own milkshake.

EVERYONE'S STILL HURT. Boise State loses starting QB Ryan Finley for two months, Alabama wideout Robert Foster is done for the year, and Notre Dame is down yet another starter after safety Drue Tranquill tore his ACL against Georgia Tech. Miami remains stubbornly resistant to treatment for Algoldenalgia.

SASS HIM GOOD, KLIFF. Kliff Kingsbury doesn't seem like the kind of guy who will eat a pound of asparagus and piss on your grave after beating you, but Bret Bielema can bring out the shit-talker in anyone. Probably best for Arkansas's sake if he just starts talking up UT-Martin now. Pat Summitt went there and she'll find you if your cross them.

FORESHADOWING, YOU ARE A DICK. Colorado beat Colorado State in overtime thanks to 1) a blocked field goal and 2) the fact that Colorado State's mascot, CAM, died the day of the game and nobody seems to know why. It should be noted that CAM's favorite food was Nacho Cheese Doritos. That likely has no relation to his death, but it is a reminder that people who prefer Cool Ranch live longer and have more beautiful hair.

ETC. HELL YES LET'S GO TO MARS.