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4TH & SHORT, WEEK 3: OH WHAT A NIGHT

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HOTTY TODDY

By ActionCookbook

This week's review is a bit harder to put together than most weeks, because, I'll confess: I missed most of the weekend of football due to a wedding. (Er, I was staying with friends while the human who ghostwrites this for me was at a wedding. Stay in character, dammit.)

I'm not here to debate the propriety of fall Saturday weddings - I can leave that to the experts, both for and against.

All I'll say is that it was a lovely event that featured an open bar and a surprising amount of weaponry. Anyways, on to the games:

WELL AT LEAST YOU GOT TO WATCH SOME EARLY GAMES WHILE WE WERE GETTING READY, RIGHT?

This is true. It was an afternoon event, so I did get the chance to watch most of the scintillating early slate of games, highlighted by SEC power Missouri squeezing by Connecticut on the strength of 270 yards of total offense and zero offensive points.

The other option was Illinois-North Carolina.

Those were the only games the hotel TV got.

OKAY BUT WHAT ABOUT THE NIGHT GAMES?

I got back from the wedding just in time to flip on the hotel TV and see #6 "Finally, They're Back In The National Title Picture!" USC lose to unranked Stanford, the same Stanford team that two weeks prior managed six points against Northwestern.

Oh, and then I flipped over right as this happened.

I know better than to count out Alabama after an early-season loss to Ole Miss, so let's have a calm, measured reaction to this:

Thank you.

A ROUGH WEEK FOR THE BIG DOGS

Some of the sport's longer-tenured and most prideful coaches took humbling (or, what would be humbling for normal human beings) losses this weekend.

We had the Ol' Ball Coach feeling the karmic return of a Half a Hundred, as Georgia returned a favor twenty years in the making and stirred up further debate over Steve Spurrier's future in a 52-20 thumping of the Gamecocks in Athens. Don't feel too bad, coach. Sometimes you can go years thinking you're the biggest, baddest dog on the block, and then it comes out of nowhere.

Next, Widely Beloved Person Bret Bielema was handed a plate full of crow by Kliff Kingsbury and Texas Tech in a 35-24 loss that furthers doubts about the preseason confidence many had in the Hogs. Again, I'm sympathetic: I know what it's like to be upstaged by a pretty young thing.

Then, there was Paragon of Goodness George O'Leary, whose Week 1 loss to FIU no longer looks as bad, after Central Florida dropped to 0-3 with an embarrassing loss to FCS Furman. Once more, I offer sympathy: I once lost a wrestling match to a Shih Tzu.

You shouldn't feel bad for losing to Furman, George. You should feel bad for everything else you've done and stand for.

I WOULD NEVER MOCK A CAT

After a week of "well maybe you shouldn't have expected better, when you think about it" hopes in Lexington, Kentucky's losing streak against Florida extended to a 29th straight year. Keep at it, Cats. One year you'll catch them, just like I'll eventually catch that rabbit.

CHOICES ARE HARD

Several QB controversies moved no closer to resolution this week, after Ohio State struggled against Northern Illinois, and Cardale Jones was replaced by JT Barrett. Still, OSU's deciding between the national championship game star and the Big Ten player of the year. These are good choices.

Meanwhile, Louisville dropped to 0-3, as Bobby Petrino can't find a steady hand between Lamar Jackson, Kyle Bolin and Reggie Bonnafon. These aren't good choices.

THIS IS RUNNING LONG, WRAP IT UP

SHORT LEGS, TALL ORDER OF THE WEEK

Normally I'd use this space to highlight the achievements of a player of below-average height, but I really didn't have time for quality research, so I'll just toss props to my ghostwriter, who flew cross-country with an 11-week-old infant and kept him from crying on the planes, gave a 90-second best man speech that everyone liked, and still fit into his dress pants after dinner. Also, he's 5'10, so he's technically eligible for this category.

Welcome to the top, buddy.

Take a seat next to Ole Miss. I bet neither of you are here for long.