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HUMANITY'S SURVIVAL IS AT RISK. A package of radioactive material was sent from Minnesota, destined for Texas A&M's Radiation Safety Office. That package did not arrive at its intended destination and was listed as missing - until university officials declared they'd found it, unopened and undamaged. Are they telling the truth? Or are they already covering up a secret university project, code named HULKVEILLE?

"That's my secret, Texas. I'm always angry."

GREAT SEATS STILL AVAILABLE! Do you want to see two teams that didn't win eight games last year play each other in an NFL stadium at 6:00 on a Thursday? Would you like to invite 19,999 friends to come with you? Please?

BAYLOR-TCU IS DEFINITELY NOT A RIVALRY. These two teams are just taking things week to week, not looking forward to their game against one another, not treating it as special in any way. No sir, Gary Patterson is definitely not breaking into your house at night and removing seven items from your pantry because you didn't deserve that last touchdown you fucking cheaters.

RUTGERS STAY RUTGERS. There are rational times in which you can choose your starting quarterback, and then there's "at halftime of the first game, which is against an FCS opponent."

ETC. The Wall Street Journal has an awesome tennis line judge simulator that will make you really understand how shitty the human eye is.