While the other worst-case conference previews have focused on teams, we're doing something different for the SEC, the one conference where collective greatness is nearly as important as individual program achievement. Week by week, this is how the 2015 season turns to disaster for the SEC.
WEEK 1: Vanderbilt gets blown out by Western Kentucky, but that result is quickly overshadowed when Tennessee drops its first game to Bowling Green. Sportswriters all over the South decree that the loss should be blamed on Nissan Stadium in Nashville, which hosted the game without "properly cleaning out all the Titans beforehand."
WEEK 2: East Carolina gets revenge for its bowl loss to Florida and uncovers an old state law that allows pirates to, without penalty, seize any lands which are not guarded by cannon. This leaves ECU in full control of Florida's fire stations but, surprisingly, unable to claim most private residences. Mississippi State wins a close home game over LSU, causing many to doubt whether Les Miles will survive the season.
WEEK 3: Surprisingly, Ole Miss extends its streak over Alabama to two games, beating the Tide in Tuscaloosa. Everyone's so distracted by this turn of events that hardly anyone notices Arkansas losing to Texas Tech by 21 in the third quarter - including Bret Bielema, who stops calling plays and starts designing "SEC WEST CHAMPS" on CustomInk. The Hogs lose, and it turns out those cancellation policies for bulk orders are very inflexible. Auburn beats LSU in Baton Rouge, dropping the Tigers to 2-2.
WEEK 4: Florida and Tennessee play a nine overtime game that ends with a score of 10-3, when the Volunteers block a 28 yard field goal attempt and everyone agrees this needs to be finished already. Kentucky beats Missouri to improve to 3-1, and Arkansas rebounds by beating Texas A&M, calling 57 iso runs, 19 counters, and five play action passes that just turn into quarterback runs.
WEEK 5: Ole Miss loses to Florida. Arkansas loses to Tennessee. Mississippi State beats Texas A&M. Vanderbilt beats MTSU, but does so on a pass where the quarterback is clearly two yards past the line of scrimmage. It's later revealed that SEC officials were instructed to ignore the infraction and received a large cash payment from Amy Grant to do so, and she's placed under federal custody.
WEEK 6: South Carolina beats LSU, and Les Miles is fired within 24 hours. After some internal debate, the program decides to give the interim job to the assistant who's most recently had head coaching experience.
Texas A&M spends its bye week trying a team building exercise, but they only skim the instructions and several players are injured when small horses are dropped on them during the Aggie Trust Foal.
WEEK 7: Orgeron leads LSU to a road win over Florida, while Georgia loses to Missouri. Kentucky beats Auburn, Ole Miss loses to Memphis, and Louisiana Tech nabs an upset victory over Mississippi State. Afterwards, a triumphant Jeff Driskel gives an inspiring speech about personal growth and using failure as motivation; it later becomes the basis of his self-help seminar, Dream Safe: Find Your Checkdown Life Goals.
WEEK 8: Mississippi State beats Kentucky and Alabama beats Tennessee. Paired with Missouri's stunning loss to Vanderbilt, this firmly reestablishes the West division's supremacy in the conference. Order appears to have been restored despite a chaotic first two months.
WEEK 9: South Carolina beats Texas A&M and Arkansas loses to UT Martin. Florida beats Georgia, but CBS forgets to televise the game and airs a Price Is RIght episode from 1996. Georgia fans begin emailing the athletic department, demanding that Mark Richt be fired and replaced with Four Piece Walnut Bedroom Set.
WEEK 10: Vanderbilt beats Florida, and Missouri beats Mississippi State. LSU beats Alabama by thirty, and a five year extension is hastily drawn up to keep Ed Orgeron as head coach. Auburn wins in College Station, but Gus Malzahn is so dismayed by the Orgeron contract that he demands four million dollars in cash or he won't return to the state of Alabama. ATM limits mean he stays in Texas for two weeks, coaching the team over Skype.
WEEK 11: A Malzahn-less Auburn loses to Georgia, Florida beats South Carolina, and Vanderbilt beats Kentucky. In West action, Alabama beats Mississippi State and LSU crushes Arkansas. Ole Miss, confused by having a bye week so late in the season, assumes the season is over. As they technically haven't lost to Mississippi State, they declare themselves Egg Bowl champions and get drunk.
WEEK 12: Florida loses to FAU and South Carolina loses to Citadel. A still under the radar Vanderbilt beats Texas A&M, propelling them to a top 15 ranking. Tennessee loses to Missouri and drops out of the race for the SEC East. Every team in the conference has at least two losses at this point, and there is growing concern that nobody from the SEC will make the College Football Playoff.
WEEK 13: Finally paid his self-imposed ransom, Gus Malzahn returns from Texas and leads Auburn to a thrilling Iron Bowl win. Georgia and Florida both lose to their ACC rivals, but Kentucky beats Louisville. Tennessee shuts out Vanderbilt in Knoxville, and Ed Orgeron coaches half the game with his pants split in half as A&M beats LSU. He will later be arrested by customs agents when he cannot provide proof that his rhinoceros skin briefs were purchased legally. Dan Mullen is fired for failing to beat Mississippi for the second year in a row.
SEC CHAMPIONSHIP: Auburn wins the SEC West outright but has no funds to travel to Atlanta, as the state legislature has frozen the athletic department's accounts "pending an investigation to find out if Auburn is ISIS, or something." The East is split between Kentucky, South Carolina, Missouri, and Vanderbilt, with Vanderbilt emerging victorious in the tiebreakers. As there is no SEC West team to play, Vanderbilt agrees to play Georgia State for fun.
The Panthers win 37-10. Amy Grant and Ed Orgeron meet in prison and record an album together, Jesus Trashed A Cash Checking Office Too. Four Piece Walnut Bedroom Set takes the Maryland job. Most of Florida burns to the ground when ECU goes on vacation and forgets to get someone to cover for them. The Pac-12 puts three teams in the Playoff, but Notre Dame winds up national champion.