THE CURIOUS INDEX HAS EXPERIENCE PLAYING RECORDER

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. People have Capital O Opinions about the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band. Some say they're hilarious. Others say they're a bunch of spoiled rich kids that need a good kick in the ass or 10. Honestly, both are more or less correct in the author's opinion, but this is the internet and we're not allowed to think two different things are true at the same time.

So for today, we unapologetically salute you, LSJUMB, because THIS. SHIT. DON'T. STOP.

For those of you at a work computer without speakers, first of all, quit your job, but most of all know it's the two songs USC's band plays, but done by what sounds like a fourth grader on their first day practicing with their new flute.

I knew the Stanford-USC game -- which is this weekend, by the way -- had a little more juice to it than the average Pac-12 game, but I had no idea the salt content rose to this level. And if there was any doubt as to who was behind this, the site spiritoftroy.org is registered to an "Edward M. Beaux" of Stanford, Calif.

That name is also attached to this LSJUMB Twitter account. I don't know what that name means, but I'm sure it's a joke and I feel deep apprehension for not understanding it. Like their next halftime performance is just going to be really personal jokes about me. How did they know I once sneezed so hard in seventh grade that I broke my glasses? AHHHHHH GOD DAMN IT.

That's it. That's all the news today. Clemson barely beat Louisville last night and Dabo danced (poorly) again. He is your young-ish uncle that wants to still drink beers and smoke cloves with college kids but rolls up wearing pleated khakis with a braided belt.

Oh, and Ezekiel Elliott tried tweeting game at Taylor Swift but was ultimately shut down by his own mascot Brutus, who's a real dick for this one and probably deserved getting punched in the face that one time if we're being real. But ultimately, Zeke should've just pasted this tweet and used that as his intro.

pic.twitter.com/1CZoGL1ydl

— EzekielElliott#⃣1⃣5⃣ (@EzekielElliott) September 6, 2015

Okay, I guess that wasn't all the news.

H/T: Vico for the Stanford webpage