FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: CLEMSON AT LOUISVILLE

So far, the Factor Five is 1-1 this year, and we would be perfect if not for UNC'sMarquise Williams and his uncanny knock for throwing interceptions in the red zone. Just get them out of the way early in the drive, Marquise! That way you'll stay rested and the offense still won't get any points.

NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY. Can you do a stat that isn't a stat, like "watching Louisville in 2015 is 75% confusing and 25% disappointing?" We will. Louisville truly has two quarterbacks and no quarterback. Its offensive line could not crack so much as a window against Houston, which explains why they Cardinals only had 76 yards total rushing against the Cougars in an upset loss last weekend. The Cardinals did run for 238 yards against Auburn, but Jacksonville State invalidated any positive stats gained against Auburn for like, at least the next six weeks or so.

Louisville's offense, by Louisville's standards at least, kinda sucks right now. Clemson's has Deshaun Watson, who hasn't even really started playing full football games yet. That's a non-stat statistic, too. Clemson has one Deshaun Watson, and Louisville has zero.

ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

MASCOT. Louisville's is a bird with teeth named the "Cardinal Bird". Louisville thinks you need some clarification from like, "Cardinal Bird," the corrupt demon of a soul who ran the infield and its betting at Churchill Downs with an iron fist. Cardinal Bird was not an actual priest, nor a man, even. A three-legged bulldog with a dream, ten dollars it found on the ground, and a bad enough attitude can make a lot of things happen, especially if it lives in Kentucky.

The Clemson Tigers, despite all their insistence to the contrary, have a mascot with a severe cocaine problem. This addiction dates back to at least 1996

It used to be funny but someone please.

Please help him.

ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

AURA. Since it opened in September of 1998 (and, as of now, through the year 2040), Louisville's home field has been named after Papa John. You probably think that's a typo, and that I meant to say Papa John's, because the stadium has to be named after the company and not the man. Otherwise, it'd be John Schnatter Cardinal Stadium. Right?

Wrong.

It's one thing that the man insists on being in every commercial despite having the charisma of a broken Soloflex machine put out for garbage pickup. It's entirely another that he not only allows the fake reporter in this commercial to call him "Papa" but probably demanded the script be rewritten to that effect. I imagine Schnatter punched the last person who called him John square in the neck.

(The best thing about this commercial? Whether intentional or not, the whole "Papa doesn't speak Chinese" dumbass gag is a great reference to his company's stunning failures in Beijing.)

Whether you think Schnatter is an ideal American who built a multibillion dollar business from nothing or a heartless megarich dipshit who cares deeply about his own personal fitness while selling you pizza that comes with garlic butter sauce for dipping, let us agree on this: only an asshole makes people who aren't his descendants call him Papa.

ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

NAMES.

LOUISVILLE

Zykiesis Cannon
G.G. Robinson
Finesse Middleton
Conner Kronk
Micky Crum

CLEMSON

Jarvis Magwood
Maverick Morris
Tucker Israel
Brennan Goodnature
Cannon Smith

I was wholly unprepared for BOTH teams to have a cannon. How is one supposed to choose between Finesse and Maverick? Would you rather have Goodnature or Kronk? There’s only one way to resolve this stalemate: determining what "G.G." stands for. And based on the information Louisville’s got, Robinson’s name is Gerald Quinn. That loses points for two reasons. One, you’ve deceived us. Two, you could have been G.Q. Robinson.

G.Q. ROBINSON!!!

GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS. Deshaun Watson broke his finger before this game even started last year, and Clemson still won 23-17, so there's nothing in terms of lingering animosity from the Clemson side in what was the only meeting ever between the two teams. (Unless Deshaun Watson really, really takes a broken fingers very, very personally.) Louisville is 0-2, has looked disjointed and outright bad at times, and is about to play the best QB they'll face all year long. This being college football, the obvious answer is obvious here.

ADVANTAGE: LOUISVILLE.

LOUISVILLE, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

FINAL TOTAL: CLEMSON 4, LOUISVILLE 1.