Last night, during the second televised Republican Presidential debate, CNN moderator Jake Tapper posed a lighthearted question to the 11 candidates: if elected President, what would you opt to use as your Secret Service codename? The responses from the candidates were similarly fluffy and not of relevance to this outlet (with the exception, perhaps, of Marco Rubio, who chose "Gator", because he apparently thinks he can win a fight with FSUTwitter).
What does concern us here, if at times only tangentially, is the business of college football. Politicians may believe in their own importance, but money talks, and in 27 states, the highest-paid public employee is a college football coach. Even more so than politicians, the nature of the position - and this generosity of compensation - can invite animosity, scorn, and threats of retribution. This necessitates security details for most coaches.
Well, we're nothing if not diligent here at Every Day Should Be Saturday. We filed a series of expensive Freedom of Information Act requests with the appropriate governmental and law enforcement bodies, and we've obtained the security code names for every one of the Power 5 head football coaches.
Kyle Flood - "Water Damage"
James Franklin - "Je Patern"
Randy Edsall - "Dreamweaver"
Urban Meyer - "Snowbank"*
Jim Harbaugh - "Pleats of Rage"
Darrell Wilson - "The Hoosiermaker"
Bill Cubit - "More Like 'Tim What The Heck, Man'" sorry Bill this one's left over from the previous guy we'll get you a new one soon, promise
Pat Fitzgerald - "#WTFitz"
Jerry Kill - "The Woodchipper"
Paul Chryst - "Barely Alvarez"
Kirk Ferentz - "That Statue of Coach Bud Kilmer That Was Too Expensive To Move"
Mike Riley - "Scream Cleaner"
Steve Addazio - "Spencer's Gift"
Dabo Swinney - "Swamp Thing"
David Cutcliffe - "Actual Nice Person"
Jimbo Fisher - "Actual Person"
Paul Johnson - "A Shopping Cart Full of Hammers Rolling Down A Spiral Staircase Toward Your Sleeping Bab-" wait this is his playbook not his code name
Bobby Petrino - "Steve Shagthorpe"
Al Golden - "Extra Starch"
Larry Fedora - "Petey Belkbowl"
north carolinaaaaaa come get your grades up take your shirt off twist it round your hand take a test without a proctor— OLIVER 3STACKS (@edsbs) October 22, 2014
Dave Doeren - "Dave Clawson"
Pat Narduzzi - "The Current Most Promising Football Coach In The State of Pennsylvania, Although Temple Looks Good Now, Too"
Mike London - "The London Under-.500"
Scott Shafer - "No, I'm Sorry, This Is Coach Shafer, The Number For Basketball Tickets is (888) DOMETIX. Shafer. Scott Shafer. Football. Yes, We Still Do."
Frank Beamer - "The Chef"
Dave Clawson - "Dave Doeren"
Art Briles - "Brushstrokes"
Paul Rhoads - "Doorknob"
David Beaty - I'm sorry Coach Beaty we couldn't afford a codename we still owe Coach Weis a lot of money
Bill Snyder - "A Life Lived Twice As Long As Yours And Three Times As Well"
YES! We have confirmation of "Don't give a damn Bill Snyder"!!! https://t.co/NfHxCoHY6h— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) May 30, 2015
Bob Stoops - "Sugarfoot"*
Mike Gundy - "A Man, Who Is Now 48"
Gary Patterson - "Deckhand"*
Charlie Strong - "Human Resources"
Kliff Kingsbury - "Dawson"
Dana Holgorsen - "Wings"
Rich Rodriguez - "Brave Sir Lansingloss"
Sonny Dykes - "Sundance"*
Todd Graham - "Pathfinder"*
Mike MacIntyre - "'MIKE MACINTYRE', yelled through a megaphone. Please tell me you remembered I was coach at Colorado without Googling."
Mark Helfrich - "Diet Henry Rollins"
Gary Andersen - "Corvallis In Wonderland"
David Shaw - "Dog The Bounty Punter"
Jim L. Mora - "The Face-Painter"
Steve Sarkisian - "The Town-Painter"
Mike Leach - "The Dread Pirate Buyout"
Kyle Whittingham - "Please Stop Yelling, I'm Not The Notre Dame Guy"
Chris Petersen - "Smurfette"*
Jim McElwain - "Tranquility"*
Mark Richt - "NCIS: Hot Seat"
Steve Spurrier - "Hell, I don't need a code name, son, a man wants to kill me, let him try. He'd better have a good reason and his personal affairs in order."
Gary Pinkel - "Sheepskin"*
Mark Stoops - "Ramrod"*
Butch Jones - "A Man Who Surely Has Won More Games At This Point In His Tenure Than Derek Dooley Had"
Derek Mason - "A Jar Full of Losses"
Les Miles - "Chronos"
Gus Malzahn - "Pop Pop"
Kevin Sumlin - "Late Shift"
Hugh Freeze - "Jim Jones" (Great recruiter, poor gameplan.)
Dan Mullen - "A Surprisingly Good Sport"
Bret Bielema - "The Barefoot Agressor"
Nick Saban - "Shortstop"*
Note: coming up with nicknames for 64 different coaches sounds like a good idea until you're about 40 deep. Names in italics/with asterisk are actual Secret Service codenames.
But I would've called Saban "shortstop" either way.