HATIN' ASS SPURRIER RETURNS BATTERED BUT UNBOWED

Pretty damn Alabama of you to invite everyone over to watch a cockfight gone wrong on your new big screen TV, Auburn.

If Jacksonville State wanted to take a knee too early, they shoulda just got married in high school.

Gus had to be laughing. He could theoretically score 280 points in 40 seconds as long as he was playing Alabama.

Look at it this way, Gus. Your offense is finally giving Auburn fans math they understand.

Just because they're called Bowling Green doesn't mean you're supposed to see if they can get to 300, Maryland.

Not sure why FSU struggled against USF in that first half. Jimbo's usually so comfortable handling bull.

Everett Golson is Jimbo's most advanced QB model yet. Bypasses that "good" part, and skips right to what they'll look like in the NFL.

Ohio State paid Hawaii to come to Columbus and get beaten up, and that's why you should only use Craigslist to give away furniture.

People think there's only one way to win a football game, and that's not true. For instance, I saw Hawaii didn't score a point but did get to leave Ohio after the game.

Hawaii and Ohio are the same place, really, long as you count Skyline Chili as a vent for hot, lethal gas escaping a crack on the earth.

That's a tough loss for UVA, though it is refreshing to see a cop make life miserable for a bunch of rich white people for once.

Course, Notre Dame needing that throw to beat Virginia's sorta like Jesus turning water into wine - a miracle, but one you don't need if you have your shit together.

Didn't know Tennessee got the Buffalo Creek Dam as a sponsor this year.

Good for Bob Stoops, who gets to pretend beating UT is impressive twice this year.

Losing to Mayfield? Sounds like Phil Fulmer days are back in Knoxville.

If Bob Stoops runs over a traffic cone that'll be the third time he flattens something orange that offers no resistance this year.

Art Briles must've never played GTA V. Bad things always happen when you hang out with Lamar.

You read the papers, Oregon. Shoulda known relying on the VA wasn't gonna work out.

Hooboy, Washington State's special teams. That return policy's so generous I gave em a five star Yelp review.

Rutgers brags about being the oldest college football program, which is probably why it's begging for assisted suicide.

After losing to the Rockets like that, maybe we should rename them the Arkansas 1945 Londons.

Call Toledo Jim Henson, cause they're puttin' pigs in space.

Putting up scores in the seventies is something Ole Miss only usually does on three hour lunch breaks.

I call Arkansas's offense the Apostles Creed because it's got twelve points and is mostly a matter of faith.

Bet Bret Bielema sends out hard to read emails. Only got twelve points to use on that font.

That's just irresponsible, Toledo. You don't give Arkansas the safety AFTER they've shot themselves in the foot.

It was close, but I wasn't worried about Missouri. Might've been different if they were the Rosé Wolves.

Why's no one mention Gary Pinkel for an NFC South job? He's boring, and loses once a year in Atlanta as well as anyone else does.

Saw that BYU player punching a Boise player in the jimmy. Mormon sex ed is weird.

Oh, so now Bobby Petrino doesn't want to score.

Jim McElwain, I yell at Taylors, too. Mine just end up in the water hazard on five after a bad tee shot

Going to a Florida game's like shopping at Wal-Mart: the only people who have sleeves on work there and you're gonna see a grown man scream at a kid.

Kentucky's gonna beat Florida for the first time in 28 years. Congratulations on being a cicada cycle, Kentucky.

If you've seen how many mobility scooters get sold in Mississippi, you understand why the Bulldogs were never gonna make a walk-off kick.

Weird game for Arizona State. You'd think most students there would be into poly.

Cal Poly runs the triple option, which isn't an excuse since most ASU students deal with "guilty, not guilty, or nolo" all the time.

You know "fires" comes after Ames, right, Paul Rhoads?

I don't agree with people calling our effort against Kentucky "piss-poor." Clean urine goes for at least $250 a jar in that state.

Not sure how we let a bunch of Kentucky fellas score 26. Figured our defense was at least as tough as the ACT.

No pleasin' people in this state. You call for the removal of the Confederate Flag, they're mad. Then you have your team disappear too as an act of solidarity? Still mad!

I think this team's got something in 'em people haven't seen yet. Something like mononucleosis.