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FIRST SHIFT OPEN THREAD: ONE TRUE CHAMPION

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A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL, EXCEPT IN THIS CASE ALABAMA LOSES

We all know how last year ended for the Big XII. After leading in the polls for much of the late season, TCU and Baylor finished tied atop the standings. Despite the conference slogan's insistence that their round-robin schedule would produce "One True Champion", the teams were named co-champions. This splitting of the vote allowed plucky underdog Ohio State - led by then-unknown-upstart coach Urban Meyer - to sneak into a playoff they proved wholly undeserving of being in.

Anyways, lessons were learned, changes were made and [record scratch]

Dangit, Bowlsby. Ain't you learned nothin'?

Look. It's not even the format I'm upset about. It's the notion that you think you can develop a system that would crown One True Champion. Sure, you could add two teams - I hear Cincinnati is a rising power [cups hand over mouth, feigns different voice] I've heard that too [raises voice] I also think they're great [resumes normal voice] and a championship game, but what happens when, say, an 8-4 Oklahoma team upsets an undefeated East champion like Cincinnati? What then?

No, there's only one system to determine a true champion: an eight-minute-long interpretive dance, representing the ultimate biblical battle between good and evil, performed in mime by middle schoolers at a rural Indiana county fair.

Well, it's better than the BCS.