WELCOME TO THE SPECTACULAR ENTERTAINMENT CONFERENCE

Fall Saturdays in the South are quite possibly the pinnacle of the American sporting experience. The combination of crisp-but-not-cold weather, decadent tailgates, dapper fans and deep-rooted gameday traditions add up to an experience you simply can't improve on. It's been this way for decades, and why mess with what-

The SEC is adding "Super Bowl style" halftime performances. pic.twitter.com/2b9CtiHzBG

— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) August 31, 2015

[sigh]

Didn't OneRepublic break up anyways? Billy Zane left the group or something?

Anyways, fine, the SEC is gonna have a Super Bowl every Saturday. Sure, okay. You might as well give the players one shot at it, in case they get drafted by the Browns. Rich as some of these athletic departments are, though, they don't exactly have the operating budget to pay for Prince-

VOICE FROM BACK OF ROOM: BET THEY WOULD IF HE RAN A 4.3

Quiet, Buckeye.

Thing is, like it or not, the budgets are a little smaller and the stages a bit more modest when you compare to the nation's premier televised sporting spectacle. The intrepid corporate spies at EDSBS have been able, however, to find a complete list of the Super Bowls Saturday coming this fall across the SEC.

SEPTEMBER 12th - VANDERBILT (vs. Georgia)

Vandy's one of the smaller schools in the SEC, but they're leveraging their location for a big one - the stars of Nashville unite for a halftime spectacle the kids are sure to love-

[squints at fine print] "A Tribute to Robert Altman"

Ned Beatty still looks great, though.

SEPTEMBER 19th - ARKANSAS (vs. Texas Tech)

Look out, Kliff Kingsbury, you're not the prettiest thing in town today, not when the halftime entertainment is "Borderline Erotic," Bret Bielema's mariachi burlesque review (sponsored by Old El Paso and IcyHot)

SEPTEMBER 26th - KENTUCKY (vs. Missouri)

A musical performance by The Judds!

Well, that actually makes sense, I mean - they're a little past their prime, but Ashley's long been UK's most visible celebrity fan, and-

Oh.

OCTOBER 3RD - MISSOURI (vs. South Carolina)

"YES, WE ARE IN FACT IN THE SEC, WE'VE WON OUR DIVISION THE LAST TWO YEARS, WOULD YOU PLEASE COLLECTIVELY ACKNOWLEDGE THIS" a theatrical spectacle presented by famous alumni Sheryl Crow and Jon Hamm.

Well, that actually sounds nice.

Weird that South Carolina'd schedule it for a non-conference road game, though.

OCTOBER 10th - SOUTH CAROLINA (vs. LSU)

Well, now we're getting somewhere. The acts have trended older so far, but USCe's lined up the web's hottest Vine stars!

You should hear them do "Sandstorm."

OCTOBER 17th - MISSISSIPPI STATE (Homecoming vs. Louisiana Tech)

Blue Oyster Cult.

That's not even really a joke, I just want to see that in Starkville.

OCTOBER 24th - OLE MISS (vs. Texas A&M)

Cirque du Soleil and guest director Wright Thompson present La Tristesse Sans Fin, an acrobatic tribute to the slow death of American industry, childhood pets who were hit by cars, and the second half of last year's Rebels season.

OCTOBER 31st - TEXAS A&M (vs. South Carolina)

Everyone sits in complete silence and does not talk about who lost to who last year or how excited who was about what quarterback in the immediate aftermath NOTHING HAPPENED EVERYONE HEADS DOWN.

NOVEMBER 7th - GEORGIA (vs. Kentucky)

Love the indie rock scene of Athens? Neither do we! Bubba Sparxxx presents a tribute to butts.

NOVEMBER 14th - TENNESSEE (vs. North Texas)

[draws blank]

Alright, I guess I should check Wikipedia and see what musicians are from Knoxville and [hears noise outside] [goes ashen]

LOCK THE DOORS

IT'S TOO LATE HE'S ALREADY INSIDE THE HOUSE

NO I DON'T WANT A MARGARITA KENNY IT'S TUESDAY MORNING

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A WASHINGTON SENTINELS JERSEY THAT WAS A MADE-UP TEAM IN THE 2000 KEANU REEVES MOVIE "THE REPLACEMENTS"

NOVEMBER 21st - FLORIDA (vs. Florida Atlantic)

Sure, it'd be nice to play meaningful games in November, but that's not how the SEC schedules. Fortunately, thanks to this Gainesville-native hardcore band, it'll be just like Saban, Kiffin and company are in town!

NOVEMBER 28th - AUBURN (vs. Alabama)

"We're Going To Launch An Elephant Into The Sun"

Surely that's some kind of metaphor, and-

Musical guest Len.

War Eagle.