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DEAR SHAWN OAKMAN: PLEASE DO NOT GET AN OCTOPUS

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THAT'S NOT A PET, IT'S A LONESOME EIGHT-ARMED KILLER WANDERING THE PLAINS

Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

Shawn Oakman has three American Bulldogs and a pet python named "Baloo." The 6'9" Oakman reportedly wears the snake around his neck while walking around Waco, a sight that only reinforces the image of Texas as a place where large breed humans go to play bit characters from Mad Max movies. (Baylor also has a 400 pound tight end, so sure, Baylor's subtitle for the 2015 season is basically already "FURY ROAD: A FILM BY ART BRILES.")

He also wants another pet, something we will warn him against shortly.

Oakman said he plans to get another Python this summer and then, in his future….an octopus, he said.

Shawn Oakman, do not underestimate the octopus. This is no pet, sir. This is one of nature's most intelligent creatures, a master of disguise with eight powerful arms and a gigantic brain and no loyalties toward anything or anyone, including its own species. It can escape from almost any container you place it in, kill everything in its tank for fun, and adapt to new learning environments with a terrifying ease. This is no pet. This may be the usurper to humanity's claim on the throne of species supremacy.

And when it gets loose in the badlands of Texas, Shawn?

OctopusCowboy

(Artist's rendering)

The octopus may not even start out trying to live the bandito life. The octopus didn't choose this life, not at the start. He wanted to be a fighter pilot in the Texas Air Guard, but that damn DUI when he was 17 fucked it all up. THE OCTOPUS WAS JUST A STUPID KID.

Tell that to the state of Texas, though. Once he was in, he was in, and in for life. A convenience store in San Marcos. A couple he stuck for cash in San Antonio. The bank in El Paso, then the other bank in El Paso. The farm store in Beaumont where it went wrong and he had to introduce a security guard to a friend he called Johnny Hollowpoint. Then, running on all eight legs wherever they would take him, and blending into the countryside.

The marshals got close a few times, but a few squirts of ink and a quick hop in the reservoir and he away, free but never free, hounded from sunup to sunrise, one of the devil's own damned flopping his way across the wastes on a rotten lease of breath from a malicious god.

Do you want this on your conscience, Shawn Oakman? Because this is what you'll unleash on the state of Texas and beyond unless you keep that octopus occupied 24/7. You'll need to challenge it, to give it tasks, to keep it intellectually and physically stimulated. You'll need to start it at slot receiver, is what we're saying. If you don't think Art Briles can't make it work, please remember the early part about the 400 pound tight end who might play real football for Baylor this year.