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THE 2015 WORST-CASE PAC-12 PREVIEW

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SHOULD HAVE KEPT BUYING THOSE BURGERS, OREGON STATE

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ARIZONA: Promising 6-0 start is derailed by three losses in a row to Colorado, Washington State, and Washington, leading to Rich Rodriguez developing a fear of Husky Buff Cougars that Arizona State uses to its advantage by inviting Brigitte Nielsen to the Territorial Cup coin toss.

ARIZONA STATE: Win every game that's played on a Saturday, so their only losses are to Oregon (fine) annnnnnnnd New Mexico (definitely not fine).

CAL: Jared Goff breaks the single season passing record with 5900 yards. The Bears go 5-7.

COLORADO: A series of medical equipment thefts and bizarre graffiti messages declaring things like "PASS WITH YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR HANDS" and "DEATH IS A TURNOVER; WHOEVER CAUSES MORE WINS" lead Colorado administrators to a terrifying discovery - Dan Hawkins still has a working keycard.

OREGON: The program comes under massive NCAA scrutiny when it's revealed that El Chapo's motorcycle tunnel escape was supposed to be part of an elaborate Puddles stadium entrance. Oregon quietly discloses to the NCAA that Puddles is also inadvertently responsible for the disappearance of Malaysia Air Flight 370 and Spider-Man 3.

OREGON STATE: When Gary Andersen declines to continue the Oregon State tradition of going to In-N-Out, the burger chain/organized crime syndicate burns down Reser Stadium. (They leave some pickles and grilled onions on top of the smoldering remains to emphasize that they aren't fucking around.)

STANFORD: David Shaw decides the answer to Stanford's red zone problems is to attempt a field goal every time they reach the 21 yard line.

UCLA: Josh Rosen leads the Bruins to a playoff berth and wins the Heisman, and then the country is gripped with incredible depression when we collectively realize he was born after Tragic Kingdom was released. You've gotten older in the short amount of time it took to read this entry, and you can't get that time back.

USC: Traveler collapses on the field before the Washington game and dies; it's later learned that he got into Sark's secret stash of homemade wine, which turned out to be Capri Sun, Bacardi 151, and melted grape Jolly Ranchers.

UTAH: After a successful nine win season, the athletic department informs Kyle Whittingham that he can only use unpaid interns at offensive and defensive coordinator, and his office will be used as private event space for a local Brazilian restaurant on Thursday and Friday nights. (He is, however, allowed two servings of leftover lombo com queijo.)

WASHINGTON: 1-3 before they play Oregon or USC or Stanford is a very real possibility!

WASHINGTON STATE: In a dream, Mike Leach realizes his true mission for 2015 - to find the true killer of Giuliano de Medici.