THE CURIOUS INDEX RETURNS

Wait. Why is the Curious Index back already? Doesn't the season start on Thursday? The answer is simple:

BECAUSE BOB STITT IS UNKILLABLE AND WILL REIGN FOREVER. From 2011 through 2014, North Dakota State lost a grand total of three games and won the national title every year. On Saturday, the Bison lost to Montana and newly promoted from Division II head coach Bob Stitt. It took a last second touchdown to do it, but the real victory is this - Montana ran 92 plays in less than 25 minutes of game clock. You should be out of breath just looking at that number.

BAN INJURIES, THE FIRST. Miami's potential plan to replace Duke Johnson was simple. Give some of the carries to small but speedy Joseph Yearby, and give the rest to 240 pound Gus Edwards. That plan is now half-complete, as Edwards will miss the season with a foot injury. Let's just go ahead and presume Brad Kaaya will pick up the slack. IF HE DOESN'T THROW FOR 45 TOUCHDOWNS WE NEED TO FIRE GOLDEN AND GET BUTCH DAVIS BACK.

BAN INJURIES, THE SECOND. Arizona will enter the season without linebacker Cody Ippolito, who tore his ACL. We hope he gets back into fighting shape soon.

WE FIND ROBODUCK'S ANSWERS INSUFFICIENT. Yesterday, Oregon's ill-conceived nightmare mascot RoboDuck sent out a photo of a birthday party he was apparently working. When asked about this new line of work, RoboDuck suddenly announced he was retired. I'm sorry, but there's a lot more to fill in here. How many parties did RoboDuck work before this? Was he only doing events for kids or did people pay for weird RoboDuck gyrations at bachelorette parties? We want answers, goddammit.

ETC. R.I.P. Oliver Sacks, neurological pioneer, weightlifter, Hells Angels guest, and all around badass. You don't hire someone to run the Florida Lottery and expect him or her to avoid corruption. Happy Birthday, Van Morrison.