YOU HAVE ONE MONTH LEFT UNTIL WE COLLEGE FOOTBALL

31 days from now, you will wake up and realize that college football is on that evening. The first two games you can watch? FIU-UCF or UNC-South Carolina. We're sorry that this doesn't account for your August 29th game, North Dakota State and Montana; you are the sports version of having a Christmas birthday. Which means Larry Fedora is baby Jesus? This took a turn on us.

What can you do in that last month to prepare yourself? We offer a few suggestions, which we don't expect you're going to actually follow. But this way it's not our fault when you contract Sooner's Gout before Halloween. (Sooner's Gout is a disease we made up. Symptoms include joint pain, wearing an Oklahoma polo shirt and your "good khakis" to a wedding reception, loss of body hair, and recurring violent dreams about Mike Stoops.)

1. Sleep

Sleep for as many hours as you possibly can, storing away that rest like a squirrel stuffing a tree hollow with acorns. This may not actually be how sleep works, but it will comfort you somewhat to remember that you once got ten hours of good sleep when you're staying up late to watch New Mexico and Arizona State play a fourth overtime.

2. Eat healthy foods

There will come a Saturday when you turn off your TV, brush your teeth, and realize, without any prior planning, you ate pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Part of you will feel proud, having fulfilled a promise to nine-year-old you. The rest of you will feel worried enough to Google "can you die from too much pizza." The second result is a Today Show story about a man who's eaten pizza exclusively for 25 years, so you're probably fine. You resolve to not eat pizza for the rest of the season, a vow you break within two weeks. It would have been rude to not help your buddy test out his new pizza stone.

3. Go outside

Most brands won't tell you this, but outside is pretty great! Make a concerted effort to enjoy it a bit before you lock yourself in front of a television until February, when you'll only be leaving the house to scream about how that fucking dipshit Al Golden must think it's an NCAA violation to call a third down route that goes beyond the line of scrimmage. (For what it's worth, animals love Al Golden because, like them, he always wears the same thing.)

4. Read

We mean something other than college football material, though if you're going to ignore that rule, you have plenty of preview material from Bill C. to pore over. What should this non-CFB material be? If only there were a place where friendly people could reco-[bowled over by commenters shouting about how the books I like are shit]

5. Pull off one last job

Ok, we've got Kevin waiting behind the building with a laundry van that has a false floor in it we can hide in if they set up checkpoints along the highway. Big C's working on getting us an EMP grenade from a guy he worked with in Bucharest. Stink, you're in charge of recon. We gotta know which days have the lightest foot traffic so crowd control won't be an issue. And I'll be on the roof across the street with a sniper rifle full of tranquilizer darts.

LET'S STEAL MIKE THE TIGER, FELLAS.