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STEVE SARKISIAN'S NIGHT OUT: A BREAKDOWN OF EXPENSES

YES, THERE ARE 45 ORDERS OF PATRON ON THIS. BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE.

By Ryan Nanni
Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

We know you're focusing on the forty-five orders of Patron, because yes, Steve Sarkisian expensed over $400 worth of tequila while he was at Washington without hesitation. But let's not allow Sark's attempt to imitate Lil Jon overshadow the other entries on this receipt.

THE BEERS: 3 Corona Lights, 1 Dos Equis, 2 Negra Modelos, 2 Pacificos, 1 Corona

Likely used in place of water, and whoever ordered the Corona also ordered one of the Corona Lights earlier, promising himself he'd just eat salad the next day for lunch. (He did not do so.) It's hard to say exactly what role these beers played in the evening overall. Were they the bunny slope before everyone decided to go screaming down double black diamond Tequila Mountain Trail? Or were these the ending drinks of the night, designed to somehow ease tomorrow's hangover by trying to trick the body into thinking you'd just had a few beers and not a cereal bowl full of Patron?

THE NON-TEQUILA SPIRITS: 1 Cosmopolitan, 3 Grand Marniers, 1 Cadillac Margarita

Yes, a Cadillac Margarita has tequila in it, but it seems fair to assume that someone thought "oof, we gotta slow down on the hard stuff. I'll switch it up and have a frozen margarita!" This person then remembered what's in a margarita, and, well, screw it, you can't just send a drink back because you forgot it has tequila in it. The three Grand Marniers are an ill-conceived attempt to cover up booze-soaked breath without actually drinking something that doesn't have alcohol.

The Cosmo, though. The Cosmo is an outlier, indicative of a stowaway lurking somewhere on this bar tab. It might be Blonde Lady #1, or Blonde Lady #2, but as anyone who's tried to decipher a bar tab the next day knows, it's clearly the work of someone a.) floating their own drinks onto the currents of a strange but friendly bill, or b.) a half-assed offer of friendship that did not result in a second Cosmo.

THE FOOD: 7 appetizer platters, 1 chicken tostada, 1 order of taquitos, 5 tacos

Easily the most confusing portion of the order. Based on an online menu, the appetizer platter consists of the following:

a combination of cheese and chicken quesadilla, nachos, beef taquitos, chicken flautas and guacamole. served with pico de gallo and sour cream

Why were seven of these ordered instead of people just getting entrees? Follow the order of events:

1. Two appetizers are ordered because everyone at the table is "a little bit hungry but not starving."

2. These platters aren't nearly as big as they sound. Let's go ahead and get one more.

3. Wait, did you tell the server we wanted another appetizer platter? Because I also told him that. Eh, it's fine.

4. (45 Patrons later) THREE MORE PLATTERS AND TACOS AND THOSE LITTLE TACOS AND WHATEVER THIS CHICKEN TACOSTADIUM THING IS

THE DATE AND LOCATION: This is by far the most overlooked element of the receipt. The restaurant in question is located in Indian Wells, California. The date is March 11, 2012. That overlaps with the 2012 BNP Paribas Open, played at Indian Wells. And that means one important thing: Sark was tennis drinking. (Probably with Richard Gasquet, who lost in the second round to unseeded Albert Ramos.)

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