1. DAMN, BIG TEN. A cultural heritage of being joiners and systematic networkers seems to spread to literally everything in your lives. In the SEC we cheat the way we do at everything: off the books, without a plan, and never with properly issued government identification or real names. (The fake names are a choice; the lack of ID is an accident never remedied for various reasons.)
2. Defense wins championships, and it's also looking to disrupt things in more backfields than one. That list includes the 2, 9, 11, 13, and 37 in S&P+ defense. If you want a partner that respects protection and ball security, look to the offensive side of the ball, because this clearly points to the kind of sexy recklessness you can only associate with defensive minds looking for the strip, sack, quick score, or other dividends of penetration.
3. East Lansing seems to be loveless, you say well that's...
...that's totally appropriate, never mind. YOU CHEATING BASTARD, SPARTY. HOW? WHYYYYYYYY--
4. Jesus, Kent State. Just open an honest sex club and rebrand MACtion in the boldest way imaginable.