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IF YOU LIKE THIS, YOU'LL LOVE THE BIG TEN.

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THAT'S JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM.

BOILER UP HOOT HOOT
BOILER UP HOOT HOOT
Thomas J. Russo-USA TODAY Sports

You don't think you're a Big Ten person, but if you've ever worn a sweatshirt, held hate deep, deep, deep in your heart for longer than five straight years, or thought to yourself, "30 degrees is actually pretty temperate," you are. Here are your assigned teams based on thorough research/me making stuff up.

IF YOU LIKE: imagining living life as Saved by the Bell's Zach Morris*, in which you never face actual challenges, can skip tests and alienate others, and still have all of your friends, teachers, and principal willing to lie on the ground and die for you for no real reason. Even your best friend, who hates you, seems to simultaneously do nothing but think of things to do for you, when he's not wearing Hammer pants and trying to get to third base with the three women who are apparently allowed to attend your high school. Your school is kind of weird.

YOU'LL LOVE: Ohio State.

IF YOU LIKE: things other than football. It's not everything. It's not really a thing at all. You ever tried disproving the Hodge conjecture? Man, when you consider that certain de Rham cohomology classes are algebraic, football doesn't really even begin to compare. So much to life without football.

YOU'LL LOVE: Purdue.

IF YOU LIKE: Hating people without them ever knowing you hate them, legal trouble, anachronistic traditions that are dumb and vaguely racist, Dee Brown bobbleheads, Dee Brown's headband, Dee Brown. God, wasn't 2005 great?

YOU'LL LOVE: Illinois.

IF YOU LIKE: Tunnels, snow, ice cream sandwiches, being sort of forgotten about. But that's cool. They'll know about you soon enough. Well, not "soon." But like, eventually.

YOU'LL LOVE: Minnesota.

IF YOU LIKE: Alcohol, being really good at many things but never quite the best at anything, alcohol, cheese, alcohol, "Apollo 13," never complaining about the weather, ice fishing, making sausage out of nontraditional meats, sturdy pants, keeping the windows open in sub 20 degree weather, alcohol. God, alcohol is great. Have you ever stood in a snowdrift while wearing shorts and felt nothing at all? That's the good stuff. Also, cheese.

YOU'LL LOVE: Wisconsin.

IF YOU LIKE: Having a somewhat inflated sense of self-belief that might make you think that you could achieve something greater than what is actually possible - which is totally fine, but like, maybe stay in your lane, because 8-4 is good! That's fine! Maybe you're not meant to fly with the eagles, man! Also, terrifying mascots, being completely alone and being able to see for miles because that's not weird at all, casseroles.

YOU'LL LOVE: Nebraska

IF YOU LIKE: That moment in "Air Force One" when someone spoils Michigan-Notre Dame for the President by telling him that Michigan won by 1, which would definitely happen and would actually cause the President to have that staffer heaved off the plane, which is what he should have done with that film crew who were SO OBVIOUSLY terrorists I mean come ON did no one do a security screening? Was no one like, "wait, who are you with?" Were they even CREDENTIALED? Did you not make some fucking phone calls? Are you EVEN FUCKING TRYING? INACCURATE ACTION MOVIES ARE A BANE ON THIS NATION'S GOOD NAME.

YOU'LL LOVE: Michigan.

IF YOU LIKE: Old Bay. Driving like you have literally no fear, as in you were born without fear, and are covered in scars and burns and horrify passers-by. Flags. Old Bay. Describing where you grew up as "outside of DC" despite not having been within sniffing distance of the George Washington Parkway because, yes, legally that IS "outside of DC," as is Los Angeles and the goddanged moons of Jupiter. Staying within a two-mile radius of everyone with whom you went to college.

YOU'LL LOVE: Maryland.

IF YOU LIKE: "Empire State of Mind," literally any version. Cheesesteaks. "The Sopranos," despite not really being able to describe any episodes in detail. Pretending to be from New York City originally, because sure, I guess Camden County is basically New York City. Sports, but not like you care or anything.

YOU'LL LOVE: Rutgers.

IF YOU LIKE: Being able to rattle off famous residents of your state at the drop of a hat, the song "In Heaven There Is No Beer," hating your head coach but being so used to him that alternatives seem terrifying so you'll just stick with the devil you know, so to speak. Tight ends. Lots of tight ends.

YOU'LL LOVE: Iowa.

IF YOU LIKE: Noting that the conceptualization of sport is extremely problematic. The idea that "better than" or "less than" is so harmful to civilized discourse, isn't it? Why, even the notion of "scoring," based on Western ideals of "numbers" and "some numbers being higher than other numbers" discounts storied traditions of not caring about the score because you know what really matters deep inside. You'll be detailing all of this in your honors thesis, which analyzes anti-sport theory through a Lacanian lens.

YOU'LL LOVE: Northwestern.

IF YOU LIKE: COLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGEEEEEEE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LITTLE 500 SPORTS SPORTS STRIPES STRIPES WOOOO COLLEGE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU'LL LOVE: Indiana.

IF YOU LIKE: Defending traditions. They just don't understand, do they? It's a conspiracy, it really is. People telling you that "your offensive line is butt" and "your quarterback went through more emotional upheaval than Drake did after he got shot on that episode of Degrassi" is just MORE anti-you sentiment based on nothing but LIES and PURPOSEFUL MISINTERPRETING OF THE FACTS because YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING and YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT EVEN FROM HERE AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT OUR AWESOME ICE CREAM STORE AND PUT THE STATUE BACK UP AND MICHIGAN GOT TWO SECONDS BACK IN 2005 AND EVERYONE IS A CHEATER EXCEPT FOR US BECAUSE WE DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY RIGHT MATT MILLEN YEAH RIGHT

YOU'LL LOVE: Penn State.

IF YOU LIKE: Not really being good enough, but that's cool. You've got dreams. And you're not like THOSE assholes. You know the ones. Other side of the state, think they're SO special. They don't even TALK about you, but you know they think about you all the time. I mean, you think about THEM all the time so obviously they think about you EVEN MORE. You've been to Pasadena! You're a winner! No one can tell you what to do! Especially not those douchebags. Bunch of self-obsessed dicks, you say to yourself, carefully making your "scUM" user image for when you comment on MLive.com stories. You comment a lot.

YOU'LL LOVE: Michigan State.

* Note: NOT "Good Morning Miss Bliss" Zach Morris, where he's there, but not like, the focus or anything. "Good Morning Miss Bliss" is strange as hell to watch.