MEET YOUR QUARTERBACK CANDIDATES

We're in the home stretch of the offseason, a time when many teams will be trying to gather any final data they can to pick a starting quarterback. Who are their options? We don't have the time or knowledge to list them team by team, but we can give you incredibly broad archetypes.

BRIAN STARTEDLASTYEAR

Has the advantage of experience, and something something battlefield experience/has to improve with another year in the system/senior leadership. No, the NFL scouts don't like him at all and, no, he hasn't really lived up to his recruiting ranking whatsoever. But you've got a good feeling that this is his year, and you will defend that view to anyone right up until he throws his first stupid pick in the red zone.

J.R. GRAD-TRANSFER

You barely watched him play at his old school, and when he did well you loudly remarked that he "clearly couldn't compete in (insert your conference's name here)." Honestly, you just don't see him challenging Startedlastyear for the gig, not with how far behind he must be in learning the playb-what's that? Russell Wilson was a grad transfer, that's right! HOLY SHIT WE GOT THE NEXT RUSSELL WILSON LET'S GO

CHRIS FRESHMAN FIVESTAR

Right now you're certain they should redshirt him, let him develop and learn. When your team loses its third game in a row, you will scream yourself hoarse demanding that the coaches put Chris in the game right fucking now or they can pack their bags and go back to whatever NFL position coach bullshit job they had before this.

DAVIS SECONDSTRING

Looked like shit in the spring game, but everyone remembers how he came in when Brian got hurt in that one road game last year and led the team to a comeback victory in the second half. I mean, yes, he only threw seven passes, and one of those was picked off, and he got sacked five times. But he learned how to win! I say we give him half the snaps in the season opener and see what he can do.

ERIC SLOTRECEIVER

Hey, he played quarterback in high school.