THE 2015 WORST-CASE SCENARIO BIG 12 PREVIEW

BAYLOR: Despite starting 7-0, the Bears don't rise higher than sixth in the polls, leading Art Briles to panic that a lackluster non-conference schedule and lack of conference championship game are going to leave Baylor on the outside looking in once again. He kidnaps Dan Mullen's family, holding them hostage until Mississippi State agrees to play a previously unscheduled game against Baylor on a Tuesday afternoon. But the Playoff Committee is unimpressed, even when Baylor wins, claiming that Mullen's children "didn't put up the kind of fight other kidnapper coaches faced."

IOWA STATE: The Cyclones open with wins over Northern Iowa and Iowa, prompting an elated Paul Rhoads to declare himself Iowa's Football General, Long May He Be Praised And Feared. Three days later, he is murdered by Mark Mangino, who was secretly working for the CIA all along.

KANSAS: Beat Oklahoma and Texas in consecutive weeks, only to learn that Charlie Weis paid both teams to take a dive in order to win big sports wagers.

KANSAS STATE: A series of natural disasters and economic catastrophes send world order off a cliff, and the country is quickly engulfed by anarchy. The only safe haven is Kansas State's football stadium, but there is only one way to gain entrance, be you man or woman, old or young: marriage to Bill Snyder. The word "FAMILY" is in there for a reason.

OKLAHOMA: The Sooners beat every team on the schedule that doesn't start with the letter T. Unfortunately, that leaves them at 7-5, and then they get paired in a bowl game with Temple.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Pick two of the following road games: Texas, Texas Tech, West Virginia, or Iowa State. Imagine the Cowboys losing both of those games, and add a season-ending loss to Oklahoma. You tell me how this doesn't end with Mike Gundy at a podium, screaming about chemtrails and how T. Boone Pickens has actually been dead for thirty years.

TCU: An NCAA investigation reveals that Gary Patterson is actually a very small kaiju, and TCU is forced to keep him away from the program until the Committee on Infractions determines whether a nuclear-born monster can coach a college team. (Though it takes the Committee nineteen months to decide the question, they eventually conclude this is not a violation, citing Brian Kelly as precedent.)

TEXAS: Jerrod Heard wins the quarterback race, but proves to be ineffective and gets benched for Tyrone Swoopes. Swoopes, however, isn't quick to forgive the slights heaped upon him, and begins throwing interceptions intentionally. When asked about the turnovers in press conferences, he replies "those picks are on Byron Sloops. That's who Coach Strong thinks is his starter, and that's not me."

TEXAS TECH: Has Arkansas, TCU, and Baylor as three of its first five opponents, so, shit, we might get to find this one out the hard way.

WEST VIRGINIA: Somebody figures out how to make a couch constructed entirely from fire, which ruins the fun for everybody.