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WHY'S EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE AN "AMERICAN" CONFERENCE, MAN?

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A CONFERENCE PREVIEW BY GUEST CONTRIBUTOR CONNOR, WHO JUST RETURNED FROM AN UNDERGRADUATE STUDY ABROAD

Oi, cheers, mate. So you want to talk about American football, then, innit? [snort] Right. Well, now that I'm back from my studies in Madrid, I've got a spot of time to chat before I head back to university, so I suppose I can share my well-travelled views.

[huff] American Conference American football, well then, isn't it so typically American to just slap your names all over everything and be the world's policeman, oi? Got to make sure everyone knows your conference is the BIG ten or the BIG twelve or the BIG AMERICAN GAS-GUZZLING CAR CONFERENCE, huh? The metric system just makes so much more sense if you ask me.

[vapes]

Right, well, let's 'ave a look at the teams, mate.

EASTERN DIVISION

Central Florida Knights - You know, sometimes an outsider comes into a new place and just fits right away, and that's what the Knights are to the American Conference. Two years in the conference, and they've earned at least a share of two conference titles. This is how I felt on the continent, I was such a natural that people were surprised to learn I was from The States. The Spanish have a phrase for this, "tu puta madre" which means "brother from another mother," I believe.

South Florida Bulls - Oh, you've probably done the Running of the Bulls, that's such an American frat boy thing to do. And now the hipsters have ruined La Tomatina, too. Heck, even the Calcotada's been ruined by people who saw it on Bourdain after I did. [sighs] American tourists just take over all the local traditions and ruin them. Well, my host family honored me by showing me something outsiders haven't ruined yet. It's called La Enpatatalata - it's like some Catholic shit or something to do with the Moors? Anyways, they take you into the cellar and beat you with a sack of potatoes. Real traditional. Also, it's roughly how USF's season is going to go.

I really see a lot of myself in Anthony Bourdain, you know.

Cincinnati Bearcats - *GUNner* Kiel? Overcompensate much? Who's the backup quarterback, Interventionist Military Policy Jones? [drinks Yerba Mate out of pot bought at the airport]

East Carolina Pirates - It's only your American privilege that labels them as "pirates". I see them for what they are - noble warriors, struggling against a crushing capitalist oligarchy. They don't believe that points should be hoarded. Everyone should have access to points! [sews Canadian flag onto backpack]

Temple Owls - American sports are a temple, that's for sure - one full of moneychangers! [wears too much Adidas] I've really been getting into futbol - I guess you call it "soccer"? - but I'm not going to be some frontrunner who just likes Real Madrid because they're the biggest club. I like Barcelona. They're more than a club, you know.

Connecticut Huskies - I don't think Civil Conflict is a joking matter. You don't see Europeans celebrating internecine violence.

WESTERN DIVISION

Memphis Tigers - They've made a real turnaround the last few years. [orders in broken Spanish at Chipotle] Also, the decrepit Liberty Bowl is a metaphor for American civil rights.

Houston Cougars - [inexplicably overpronounces as Joo-ES-tone] I like them very much. They have a new head coach, Tom Herman. That means "Tom's Brother". Hopefully he's smarter than my brother, who thinks high-speed rail wouldn't work in The States.

Tulane Green Wave - I've always thought of New Orleans as The States' most European city. I watched all of Treme recently, it's not even really about plot, it's about setting an atmosphere. Kinda like the Green Wave. Anyways, I want to go there sometime. [kisses you on both cheeks in greeting even though you've been talking for 20 minutes now]

Tulsa Golden Hurricane - A perfect team name for this gilded coffin you all live in here! [pours Coke into glass of red wine] To the platinum tsunami of American excess! [raises glass] Prost!

Navy Midshipmen - You people are unbelievable. Now your sport has its own military? What's next, an Air Force?

SMU Mustangs - Oh, yeah, they're gonna suck. [rides off on Vespa]