BOSTON COLLEGE: Building off last year's BE A DUDE campaign, Steve Addazio tries to instill a sense of common responsibility by making this season's slogan MAKE A DUDE. Several grave robberies and an electrical fire later, he realizes the team has taken his message a bit too literally.
CLEMSON: The Tigers build early momentum in wins over Louisville, Notre Dame, and Georgia Tech and look ready to finally take down Florida State on November 7 until they lose to NC State the week before that in the stupidest manner possible. Everyone says it was what Clemson needed to stay focused; they then lose to FSU by 27 anyways. Dabo Swinney then accidentally washes his hoodie with a hot dog still in the pocket.
DUKE: Losses in every road game would mean Duke falls to Tulane, Army, Virginia Tech, UNC, Virginia, and Wake Forest. Yeah, I'd say that sounds pretty horrifying.
FLORIDA STATE: Finishes the regular season 9-3, but the three losses are to USF, Miami, and Florida. In the postseason, they lose to UCF in a bowl game, during which FAU and FIU join forces to steal the team buses and sell them for parts.
GEORGIA TECH: The Jackets go undefeated in the regular season, win the ACC Championship Game, cruise to an easy victory in the Orange Bowl. But they blow a fourth quarter lead in the national title game to lose to Georgia, and Paul Johnson leaves to become head coach of the New Orleans Saints, where he successfully installs the triple option and wins nine Super Bowls.
LOUISVILLE: Bobby Petrino gets a pilot license and a very convincing Honduran passport.
MIAMI: Through a series of bizarre tiebreakers, NCAA punishments, self-imposed bowl bans, and locker room epidemics, the Hurricanes go 5-7 but win the Coastal. There are rings made, proclaiming "DIVISION CHAMPS" on one side and "WE DID IT FOR COACH GOLDEN AND THE SIX YEAR EXTENSION HE GOT AS A RESULT ON THIS" on the other. (It's really hard to read.)
NORTH CAROLINA: The program is shut down in October when it's revealed that Intermediate Blackjack Theory isn't actually a class. This also has major implications for Michael Jordan's curriculum vitae.
NC STATE: This is what we said last year:
I'm actually not sure what the worst case is. If they go 4-8 or worse, Dave Doeren probably goes on the hot seat. If they go 8-4 or better, Doeren potentially becomes a candidate for a better job somewhere else. The only safe space is 5-7, 6-6, and 7-5...the most NC State records possible. Damn, I kind of feel sad now.
Of course, the Wolfpack finished 7-5. I stand by this worst-case prediction.
PITT: Can technically start the season with losses to Bo Pelini, Terry Bowden, and Kirk Ferentz. Good God.
SYRACUSE: Otto the Orange realizes he lives in a USDA Plant Hardiness Zone entirely unsuited for growing citrus, and it turns out his ignorance of this basic fact was the only thing keeping him alive all this time. R.I.P., Otto.
VIRGINIA: Mike London still doesn't get fired. (Please note, this is also the best case scenario, as there appears to be no route that ends in "UVA fires Mike London." This computer game is broken and you shouldn't have bought it at Staples, even if it was only three bucks.)
VIRGINIA TECH: Hopes rise after the Hokies lose to Ohio State, as fans assume, based on last year, that this is the first step towards a national championship. Oh, honey.
WAKE FOREST: Suddenly realizes it invested the entire recruiting budget in Columbia House because "they were also pretty good in 1992."