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THE INDEPENDENCE BOWL IS ABOUT TO STOP PAYING TAXES

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AT LEAST WE'RE PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE NEXT STEP IN THIS PROCESS

Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

There's no official announcement yet, but it looks like a good bet that the next sponsor of the Independence Bowl, Shreveport's premiere sporting event/orgy recruiting location, will be camping and RV supply company Camping World. Most people will say that's an improvement for the bowl, so long as Camping World actually pays them something. But when you look at the sponsorship history, you can see the truth: the Independence Bowl is a man who's slowly seen his life crumble into paranoia and reclusiveness.

POULAN WEED-EATER (1990-1997)

In its younger days, the Independence Bowl earned money the old-fashioned way: landscaping. Sure, it wasn't glamorous or particularly lucrative, but other bowls respected that Independence was out there every morning with the edger, sweating its way to an honest buck.

SANFORD (1998-2000)

Armed with its lawn care money and a pack of Sanford uni-ball pens, the Independence Bowl went off to school and got itself a business degree in just three years. Things were really looking up for this bright, hardworking son of Shreveport.

MAINSTAY INVESTMENTS (2001-2003)

Right out of college, Independence Bowl got a job at a major investment company, helping to manage wealth from all over the world. It was a very exciting time for the Independence, building a career that looked like it could lead to major things. A car sponsorship? Perhaps a major restaurant chain?

PETROSUN (2006-2008)

After taking a couple of years off to do some independent consulting, the Independence Bowl decided to accept a sponsorship from a gas and oil company. The bowl knew the energy industry was growing by leaps and bounds, and the later you got on board, the more record profits you'd miss out on.

Then 2008 happened.

ADVOCARE (2009-2013)

Struggling badly under the weight of an ever-eroding stock portfolio and an underwater mortgage, the Independence Bowl needed any job it could get. And that meant multilevel marketing. Yes, Independence knew that these arrangements rarely worked out well for people near the bottom of the pyramid, but it would be different. It would stand out, rebuild itself, and get back on the road to success by becoming the best damn weight loss supplement salesperson in the world.

DUCK COMMANDER (2014)

Maybe the Independence Bowl could be a hunting guide instead. Its father had taught it how to shoot as a child, and there were always clueless city types willing to pay way too much to feel the kick of a rifle as they missed a Bufflehead by a mile, right? He'd keep a good chunk of the money off the books and, if times got really tough, subsist on duck meat. This could work.

CAMPING WORLD (2015)

Time to go off the grid altogether. Utilities are just another way for the government to track you. Independence Bowl didn't need running water or electricity anyways, not as long as the river was there and there were propane distributors with weak security systems. All those Wall Street types wouldn't have a prayer once the Great Collapse came, but Independence Bowl would be there, tucked away in his tent and dressed in a poncho made of animal skins. Don't come crying to me after Allstate goes belly up, Sugar Bowl. I'll put one between your eyes and then sell your carcass for looted antibiotics.